


don't stop

by woaixuxi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Mention of sex, Pining, University, Unrequited Love, a bit of smut, mention of Kai from exo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-05-24 10:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14952914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woaixuxi/pseuds/woaixuxi
Summary: you are the flame that revives the flowers you haven’t even seenleave your body in your senses and dream your dreamsthe tension that is rising between you and mei feel so right, sweeter than ever before





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this is about to be lit yall. this is a prologue. i intend to only have around 5 chapters but i left it as a ? to give myself room in case that changes. i hope you enjoy! i plan on updating weekly. i'm very inspired to write this au and as i'm posting this i've already started on the next chapter, so please anticipate a new chapter either every Saturday or Sunday. thank you!!  
> a gift to cindy because she likes uni au's and also johnten however she probably won't read this until it's done which is probably for the best heh.

Warm sunlight cascaded down on his skin, warming him and filling his senses with utmost pleasure. He couldn’t be in Seoul anymore… It had been on a jag of rain and clouds and was nothing compared to what he was experiencing in this moment. Warm wind kissed his face, making his hair whip around.

 

“Johnny,” A sweet toned voice pierced the air, making Johnny’s ears perk up. He turned to see Ten, his black hair also gently whipping against his forehead in the wind. A pink tint had spread across his cheeks as his smile took up the bottom third of his face.  _ He’s so beautiful. _ Johnny thought to himself, watching as the younger boy outstretched his hand toward him. Johnny wanted to take it-- he wanted it more than anything but it was like there were vices keeping his hands glued to his side. He could only watch as Ten waited, starting to fade away. Ten opened his mouth again, the sound of an alarm bellowing from between his lips that made Johnny jump.

 

Johnny was definitely dreaming.

 

He stirred awake, blindly tapping the screen of his phone to shut his alarm up before he got annoyed and just chucked it at the wall. He hated the sound of the alarm more than anything because it meant he had to go to class-- which he actually didn’t mind since he was in his last year of university. He just had lost a bit of motivation, is all. He also hated when he had dreams like that about his dear friend Ten. He had known Ten for nearly three years. He had moved into the same dorm as Johnny when he was in his second year. Johnny had been the resident assistant on his floor, meaning he was charged with making sure everyone had an easy time moving in and felt welcomed. Ten had struck Johnny’s heartstrings even back then. And he’s honestly been whipped for the boy ever since. However, he recently had been dreaming of him  _ at least  _ once a week and to be honest, it was getting quite frustrating.

 

Johnny finally hit the stop button on his phone and sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his brunette locks. Johnny full well guessed he should get ready for class.

 

\---

 

Of course, Johnny couldn’t escape his dream that replayed in his head when he saw Ten across the main square of campus. Ten was sitting on a retaining wall, phone in hand as he looked down and tapped wildly away at the screen. A slight smile was upon his face, causing his cheeks to look a bit plump. Johnny found himself wearing a similar expression, casting it away as soon as he realised it was there.

 

He sighed deeply when he saw Ten’s girlfriend attach to his side, watching Ten’s smile grow when he saw her and wishing so desperately to be the one that put a smile on his face like she could. He groaned, thrusting his fists into the muffler pocket on his hoodie and propelled himself toward his  _ dear friend _ who had started listening to his girlfriend tell a story about something that had happened the night before.

 

Ten’s girlfriend was Lee Minji. She was a nice girl, Johnny had to give her credit for that. She was in an academic sorority and she kept her grades up while maintaining some semblance of a social life and she seemed to keep Ten happy. Fucking wonderful if you asked Johnny.

 

“So I told her that she wasn’t supposed to just understand the answer to the problem immediately. She was supposed to use an algorithm. Hey, Johnny.” Minji said, acknowledging Johnny as he stood there, awkwardly listening in on their conversation.

 

“Hey Minji, hey Ten.” He said before taking a seat next to Ten on the wall, trying not to stare too intently at him.

 

“Minji can you help me study for my music theory class? I’ve literally got no idea what I’m doing there.” Ten pouted and Johnny could’ve punched himself.

 

“Mm, I’m busy tonight, I have stuff to do with the other girls.”

 

“I can help you, I passed the 301 class last year.” Johnny pipes in. Ten looks at him with a blank expression and Johnny can’t help but to cheese, giving Ten a huge smile. Ten grinned back at him.

 

“Thanks, should I come to your dorm since you room alone? My roommate is still kinda…”

 

“Yeah, yeah, my room would be fine, I know how your roommate can be, Ten.” Johnny nearly choked on the last word. _Fuck._ He only got this way around Ten and only recently when he realised how much he actually felt for him. The feelings he harboured for Ten kind of came out of nowhere. He remembered exactly when it happened and it's a moment that Johnny continually replays in his mind on a loop, trying to see exactly why he felt the way he did and if he could somehow move past it… But truth be told, Johnny would be damned if he lost feelings for Ten at that point. He secretly loved the suffering.

 

_ Since Johnny was an RA for their floor in the dorm, he had to group them together and do ice breakers so that people could get to know each other better and hopefully make some friends along the way. Johnny had told everyone to partner up with someone so that they could get to know each other better and to Johnny’s surprise, Ten ended up being the odd man out. At that time, Ten was only eighteen years old with chopped hair and cheeks so chubby that it made him look even younger than he was. _

 

_ “We can just do the exercise together.” Johnny had said, offering him a smile which he kindly returned. There was a party the last night of the orientation where Ten had gotten wasted and he wasn’t really the best at taking care of himself, so Johnny stepped in. And it was sitting across from Ten at 4am in a twenty-four hour diner that Johnny had fallen for Ten. The way the red and purple lights from the neon signs cascaded on his skin, illuminating him like a utopian angel. And how he was so effortlessly beautiful inside and out... They ended up fucking hitting it off and Johnny swears that Ten doesn’t even feel the connection because months before the second term of the year ended he had started dating Minji. Johnny couldn’t help but to roll his eyes, and his dear friend, Taeil, had told him to not worry because relationships like that in college don’t last. But it's been about two years since then. _

 

_ Johnny figures that they do last. _

 

“Ah, we should probably get going to class, it's nearly ten.” 

 

“Right, yeah. I’ll see you later, Minji.” Ten said. They all rose to their feet and Johnny stepped back as he watched Ten kiss her, his eyes going wide before sending an aching pang through his chest, his gaze shifted to the ground as they broke apart from each other. Johnny started to walk away, letting Ten follow behind whenever he was done saying goodbye to Minji. He heard shoes scrape against the pavement as Ten’s face slammed against his back before he caught himself. Ten giggled and it was literal music to Johnny’s ears.

 

“Sorry,” he said, matching Johnny’s footsteps as he walked beside him.

 

“Don’t worry about it, are you okay?”

 

“Yes. I just lost my footing for a second.” 

 

Johnny let his eyes linger on Ten’s face as they kept walking in the pique of the awkward silence that followed, watching how it looked when it was relaxed and unaware of the eyes that gazed upon it. He was so unintentionally beautiful, the way his lips pouted out, how his eyes casted down to the ground to watch his steps (more careful since he had nearly fallen), and his dark eyelashes that jutted out from his lids. Johnny shook his head, a last-ditch effort to shake thoughts like these from his mind because he knew that Ten was the ultimate unattainable prize.

  
  


***

  
  


Johnny had lost himself completely in his last class of the day-- which was basically a two hour “class” where he played piano. It was technically a performance preparation class, but Johnny always felt ready and comfortable to play the piano. In fact, it was the only thing he was really sure about anymore. It was always so constant, how he would walk into the classroom and take himself to one of the soundproof booths with a wall piano. How the keys moved under his command as he played beautiful music with just the touch of his fingers… It felt liberating to sit there and forget everything around him.

 

Johnny heard the door click open behind him and he grinned gently down at his hands as he tickled the ivories. He knew Ten had walked in just based on his aura that spread in the practice room as soon as he had entered. Johnny finished playing what he was in the middle of and took a deep breath before turning to face Ten.

 

“Johnny…” It was almost as if Ten was in disbelief. “That sounded so beautiful, is it new?” Ten sat on the end of the long piano bench next to Johnny and glanced at the piano keys before he looked at Johnny, anticipating his response. 

 

“I composed it… It's still just a draft but I feel like I’m making some progress.” Johnny rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged, silently shrinking inside from Ten’s _ “That sounded so beautiful,”  _

 

“Are you kidding? It's still a draft? I can’t believe I have such a talented  _ friend _ . Can you play it for me from beginning to end? I want to hear it all.”

 

“Of course, anything for you.” Johnny said, chuckling a bit at Ten’s request as his head swelled four times bigger than its typical size.

 

He lined his fingers up on the keys, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. He let his body take over everything, propelling his fingers to stroke the keys as the mallets within the piano struck chords just as Johnny directed them to. He felt the music in his veins, coursing through his body; he lived in it and he was eating it up all around him. He bobbed a little bit as he really got into it, letting the notes guide him as he was suddenly hyper aware of Ten’s presence next to him and to be honest it was kind of making him tingle and feel nervous. Johnny’s eyes opened slowly as he glanced to Ten beside him. He had taken out his phone and-- wait, was he recording Johnny?

 

Ten was wearing the biggest goofiest grin that Johnny had ever seen as he watched him through his phone’s camera. Johnny flashed Ten’s phone a smile before losing himself in the music again. Before he knew it, the song was over and his fingers were resting on the last keys that he played as he savoured the fleeting moment, his last few seconds of complete solace. 

 

“So?” Johnny’s voice hung, stretching out the word.

 

“You play so beautifully. You’re going to go places one day, you know that? You’re going to be famous and I won’t accept anything else.” 

 

“Ah, no. Don’t say that, Ten, you’re too much.”

 

“I mean it! Passion really goes a long way and i can see how passionate you are.”

 

Johnny paused, unable to stop the smile that gently splayed itself on his face as he cast his eyes down, looking at something he considered the love of his life before closing the fallboard on the piano and grabbing his backpack before standing.

 

“Thank you.” he headed for the door, opening it and standing, waiting for Ten to get up and make his way out the door.

 

“Where are you going?” Ten stared at him quizzically from the piano bench.

 

“You want me to help you pass your music theory class, don’t you?”

 

Ten looked down for a second, obviously taken by surprise. “Fair enough.”

 

* * *

 

“Ten… it's the second month of classes, how do you still not have rudiments down?” 

 

Johnny and Ten sat across from each other on the floor, Johnny with his legs stretched out in front of him and Ten sitting cross legged with his notes placed neatly in his lap. Johnny clutched a pencil in his hand, wagging it back and forth and letting it weave in between his fingers. Ten’s phone buzzed in his pocket, the vibration audible over the thick silence. Ten took it out, rejecting the call and sliding it away from him on the floor. 

 

“Listen, I only took this class for my music credit. I’m a dance major not a musician, ugh. I’m going to fail, aren’t I?” Ten covered his face with his hands and sighed into his palms.

 

“You took a level 300 class for a required credit, Ten. That’s questionable behaviour.”

 

“Please… I don’t need you pointing out my questionable judgement. I’m suffering enough.” Ten’s hands slid down his face to his chin, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head up. “Can’t you just… do it for m--”

 

“Ten, rudiments are so easy that I could literally do them in my sleep so it's going to be nothing to teach it to you. Come here so we can look at this paper together.”

 

Ten scooted himself to Johnny’s side and made Johnny regret his request almost immediately. Ten has more or less melded himself into Johnny as he looked at the paper and waited for him to explain rudiments. He relaxed a bit, letting his leg push against Ten’s, and when Ten made no effort to get away from him or say anything about it, he felt a bit better about the whole situation.

 

“Alright so, what do you actually understand?” Johnny tried his best to look Ten in the eye, but in this position it just wasn’t possible. Ten sighed, resting his elbow on Johnny’s thigh and resting his chin in his hand again.

 

“Can we like… take a break? I feel so dumb.” He huffed

 

They had just started, but Johnny really couldn’t bear to say no to Ten-- he just couldn’t bring himself to. “Yeah, of course.”      

 

Ten brought his knees up, wrapping his arms around his legs. He looked up at Johnny and the breath was ripped from Johnny’s lungs as their gaze met. God, Ten really was beautiful, Johnny couldn’t stress it enough in his mind. He could stare at him all day if Ten would let him… as if he’d ever ask to. 

 

“You’re not dumb, by the way. I’m making it out to be easy but I am a music major… So I guess it just comes to me naturally.” Johnny paused, wondering if he should really ask what’s on his mind. “Do you… do you just want me to do it for you?” Johnny regretted his words, he knew he had work due himself for classes… But he would do anything for Ten. Plus, he passed the class last year so it should be nothing, right?

 

“Ah, I couldn’t ask you to do that, Johnny.” Ten’s eyes were downcast.

 

“It’s really no big deal, I’m really not busy or anything. I’ll have it done by tomorrow.” Johnny wanted to be someone else so he could punch himself in the throat. He was definitely busy and he definitely would have to struggle to get it done by the morning, but Johnny was hell bent on being Ten’s personal nerd just to make things easier. 

 

“Honestly, that would be great.” Ten’s phone started buzzing again, this time louder as it droned against the floor. Ten  _ tsked  _ before reaching out to get it. “Listen, I really have to go. Minji wants me to go with her and her friends to look at dresses for their event they’re hosting in a few weeks. And then we’re going to go meet up with her brother.”

 

“And you enjoy that?” Johnny chuckled, masking the pain he felt spread through his heart.

 

“Well, she is my girlfriend, so…” and the minor pain turned into an explosion.

 

“I’ll see you later, Ten.” Johnny rose to his feet, following Ten to the door and sliding on his own shoes as well.

 

“See ya. Thanks again, Johnny.”

 

* * *

 

“You really let him bully you into doing his homework for him?” Taeil was nursing a plate of fries as Johnny scribbled away at the paper that Ten had left with him.

“Shut up, he didn’t bully me.” Johnny paused, looking up at Taeil. He had on glittery eyeshadow and some lip gloss-- which was actually pretty tame compared to what he usually wore on his face. Johnny liked the way the eyeshadow reflected gold in the light. Johnny pushed his headband back up onto the plain of his forehead as it had started to fall over his eyes. “I  _ offered. _ ”

 

Johnny had to admit, the two were an odd pair sitting in the middle of such a basic looking cafe. Johnny, a bright blue headband strapped around his forehead with his faded hair that used to be a reddish brown that had now turned to a soft caramel colour. He had on a faded denim jacket and black fingerless gloves. It  _ was  _ cold outside but honestly, Johnny would have worn them regardless. Coupled with a button up shirt with a bright floral pattern on it, tight black jeans, and black leather chelsea boots, Johnny was quite a sight himself. And if it wasn’t his questionable attire that drew people's attention to him, his sheer size would. Johnny was a big boy, pretty tall to the point where people looked at him when he entered a room. 

 

It didn’t help that Taeil also didn’t make the most “normal” choices in what he wore, he really picked whatever he was into, regardless of what body it was meant to go on. His only limit was heels, he  _ refused _ to put himself through that kind of torture. Today, Taeil had a pink fur coat draped over his shoulders, a black turtleneck with cap sleeves paired with faux leather leggings, strappy black flats, and a breton cap that really tied it all together. Taeil looked chic as fuck and he knew it and Johnny would be lying if he said he didn’t think that Taeil was the most beautiful person he knew inside and out. He was one of Johnny’s best friends.

 

Taeil rolled his eyes, popping a fry into his mouth. “You’ve got to stop pining over straight boys, Jay. Especially the painfully straight ones.” 

 

“I just like him so much, Tae.” Johnny put his face in his hands and looked on at Taeil who just laughed at him, chucking a fry at his covered face.

 

“How are you so pathetic over him, has he even ever done anything for you?”

 

“I’ve told you the stories before, you know what we’ve been through together.” Johnny reeled his mind in, trying not to think of the nights that he and Ten had just stayed up talking about life, their dreams, their fears, all that cliche shit. And how he always insisted on letting Ten take his bed and Ten insisting that it’s big enough for the both of them since Johnny had a double. And how Ten could be a bit grabby with his hands, putting his arm around Johnny or lacing their arms together, or just simple touches. All of it drove Johnny mad, but there wasn’t a thing he could do about it.

 

“Why don’t you just tell him you like him?” Taeil took a sip of his water, playing with the straw and pushing around his ice when he sat it back down on the table and letting his gaze stay unwavering as he looked on at Johnny. It's one of the things that annoyed Johnny about Taeil. He had a way of looking at you that would make you spill everything in your head out to him, tell him anything that he wanted.  And Johnny hated that.

 

Johnny choked out a strangled laugh that was obviously pained and took on a manic sound and Taeil grimaced at him. “You’re so goddamn cute sometimes, Taeil, you know that?”

 

“I’m cute all the time, but that’s beside the point. So, why?”

 

“Ugh, do you even know what it's like to have feelings for someone who will never reciprocate them? Jesus. How could I even tell him? It would ruin everything, Tae.  _ Everything.  _ Our friendship we’ve built over the past couple of years would be for nothing and I really can’t give that away. I adore him too much to let him know.” Johnny felt completely and utterly defeated.

 

“Are you still going to Jaehyun’s party this weekend?”

 

“Of course I am.”

 

“You’re bringing Ten, getting him drunk, and telling him. It’s going to be the only way you can ever get it off your chest and the first step to moving on.”  _ But I don’t want to move on.  _ Johnny kept it to himself.

 

“What if he remembers? It would be the end of me.”

 

“He won’t remember, I’ll run defense and makes sure he gets plastered. Don’t worry about a thing, baby.”

 

Johnny was skeptical, he did feel kind of good about telling Ten-- at least in some shape or form. It would be like lifting weight off of his shoulders, weight that he had been holding for more than two years. But Johnny knew in his mind, he wouldn’t be able to let Ten go, Taeil was crazy if he thought that Johnny was going to get over Ten just like that. He lacked the resilience that Taeil had and seemed to think that Johnny also had in terms of feelings. 

 

But, hell. Johnny would give it a try.      


	2. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I see you even when I close my eyes  
> I hear you even when I cover my ears  
> When I think of you  
> Even if you’re in a place  
> Where I can’t touch you  
> I can feel you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy sunday friends! i nearly anticipated not getting this out on time, i was really stressed with the time constraint this week, but!! here it is in all of it's glory :] i do hope that u like it.

Johnny had Ten in his arms. They were tucked in a cosy apartment with a big woollen blanket draped over their legs. Ten was resting between Johnny’s thighs on their big plush couch, his head leaning back onto Johnny’s chest and he placed a couple kisses onto the top of Ten’s head.

 

“I love you so much.” Ten’s even-toned voice was like music to his ears. He couldn’t help the smile that became prominent on his face as he nuzzled his head into Ten’s shoulder, his lips fluttering small kisses at the base of his neck. 

 

“I love you, baby.” Johnny breathed into his neck as Ten looped his arm around the back of Johnny’s head, turning his own to face him and pressing a kiss against his lips. The kiss was innocent, playful, and soft. It lasted only a few seconds before Ten pulled back and grinned from ear to ear, his eyes flitting from Johnny’s eyes, to his lips, then back again.

 

Johnny was in heaven as the gentle sound of light rain padded against the windows, ushering in even more warmth from the touch of Ten’s body against his. Nothing could reach them, they were completely isolated from the outside world and Johnny had never felt so happy. Everything was so good. No one could disrupt them. Ha ha. 

 

“Wakey-wakey, Johnny baby.” his voice was smooth but Johnny came out of his deep sleep fighting the air.

 

Taeil showed up in Johnny’s room bright and early wearing ripped jeans with fishnets poking out, and a black crop top with a heavy face of makeup on the morning of Jaehyun’s party. And to say that Johnny was confused was an understatement. Johnny valued his sleep more than anything to say the least. It startled him when he opened his eyes to Taeil smiling over him, his hand on his shoulder as he gently shook him awake.

 

Taeil ducked out of the way and laughed as Johnny sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes and cupping his swollen face in his hands. He took a deep breath, combing his hair with his fingers. Taeil had taken a seat in Johnny’s desk chair and was facing him.

 

“Taeil. How did you even get in here? Holy shit you scared the piss out of me.”

 

Taeil laughed again, a giggle that warmed Johnny. He loved hearing his best friend laugh and the sound alone helped Johnny to forget what had made him annoyed initially.

 

“Don’t mind the specifics, it’s not what’s important. Today’s the day, Jay; we have a lot to do to get you ready.”

 

“Fuck, what time even is it?” Johnny patted his bed until his fingertips came in contact with the cool metal and glass of his cell phone. He clicked the home button, bringing it close to his face so he could see the time without the inebriating blur of his tired eyes. “6:54? Ugh, why this early, Taeil.” he fell back into his bed and covered his face. Taeil took it upon himself to sit on Johnny, straddling his hips and pushing forward on his chest with his hands.

 

“Get up or I’ll strangle you to death, Seo.”

 

“What do we even need to do that requires me to wake up this goddamn early?” Johnny said through his hands, muffling his voice.

 

“Well, I wanted to get your qtip fuzz for hair fixed first of all. And I wanted to play dress up, you’ll be like my own life size doll.” Taeil took his hands off of Johnny’s chest and leaned back, using Johnny’s raised knees as a support.

 

“You want to fix me up… to get my heart broken…”

 

Taeil fell silent for a moment, realising the magnitude of what Johnny was going to do tonight. He didn’t want to fix him up just to get his heart broken-- the point of this was to make Johnny feel good so he would be confident. Taeil had a trick or two up his sleeve. 

 

“It’s not that, I just want you to feel good.”

 

“You know I don’t have that much money. I’m not going to be able to afford where you go, Tae.”

 

“For fucksake, stop worrying about this, can’t you trust me?” Taeil slid off of Johnny and stood in the middle of the room. “Just get dressed and trust me, we’re following a plan here..”

 

“Jesus Christ.” Johnny groaned. 

 

***

 

Jaehyun’s house wasn’t huge by any means but it was a decent size for a party with enough rooms that everyone could be spread out and disperse when they needed to. Johnny was terribly anxious as he waited outside the house. He was painfully on time which meant that the crowd was nearly nonexistent and Taeil wasn’t even there yet. Ten crossed his mind as he listened to the music that was already playing inside and he started to feel warm, closing his eyes and leaning against the brick. He ran a hand through his hair which had been restored to its natural noir shade and was ten times softer than it had ever been-- Taeil’s hairdresser could really work miracles. Taeil was right about one thing, the fact that he looked good did make him feel a lot better… like he could take over the world, do anything he wanted.

 

He had dressed himself in his go-to party outfit which consisted of ripped light wash jeans, his all-white adidas (which had gotten a little beat up over the past couple of years), and a crimson-coloured Metallica shirt. Johnny honestly didn’t listen to Metallica. He owned it solely for aesthetic purposes and no one had asked him to list any of their songs, or asked his favourite album; so Johnny felt good about it.

 

By then, partygoers started to trickle in and Johnny took the chance to people watch, getting lost in the crowd as he saw people coming in, looking at what they were wearing, who they were with, and their expressions. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Taeil.

 

“Are you ready to go in?” Johnny nodded and followed Taeil into the void. The atmosphere changed so drastically as he stepped through the threshold of the house. The lights in the house were replaced by black lights, the music-- which already sounded loud outside-- was thumping so loudly that Johnny could feel it in his chest, and the smell of alcohol was strong in the air, mixed with sweat and the party had only just begun. Jaehyun greeted them at the door. The boys were actually pretty good friends and Jaehyun was always happy to see Johnny. 

 

“Glad you could make it, Johnny. Hope you don’t get as wild as last time!” Jaehyun shouted and laughed over the music, making Johnny cringe. He thought back to the last of Jaehyun’s parties, one that he surely didn’t remember but had been heavily documented on twitter and Johnny had seen the video way too many times for his own liking. 

 

_ It was in the middle of the last semester and Johnny was  _ of course _ pining over Ten. The past couple of years since he had been trying (and failing) to get over him, he had started kind of... slutting it up quite a lot because the only way to get over someone is to get in someone. With some sick irony, Johnny did as he always had. Jaehyun used to have parties every single weekend and Johnny went to all of them because he could usually find a cute guy to take back to home and fuck, forgetting it ever happened and burying his feelings in his dick. _

 

_ He had gotten pretty good at being numb and not giving a shit about anything at all, pretending that he wasn’t some big, soft, emotional guy who was hurting every time he looked at Ten and Minji together… He was good at hiding it all away and locking it inside. He stopped caring so much that he got so drunk that he blacked out-- which hadn’t ever happened to him before because he was a pretty heavyweight drinker. He doesn’t remember doing anything that was chronicled on the videos but he was definitely the one on the screen. _

 

_ The video starts out dark and you can hear fabric rustling against the mic of the phone it was recorded on. The screen suddenly illuminates and the top of Johnny’s head is bobbing, almost like it was floating in water. He looks up, his eyes red and watering from nearly choking and a hand slides down his cheek, cupping his chin. Johnny leans his head over and kisses his palm before he trails kisses down the head of his… _

 

Johnny shakes the memory of the video out of his head, pulling himself from his thoughts and trying to forget that he had the whole video memorised by now. He hated the fact that it existed, he wished he would have made better decisions back then.  _ I’m a dumb bitch.  _ He thought to himself, falling into another memory that came soon after the video surfaced.  _ Of course he was hanging out with Ten when he got the text from Taeil telling him to check twitter. Johnny honestly didn’t use twitter much so he had turned off the notifications for the app. Frankly, he didn’t care for it. When he had opened the app, his internet buffered and when it had refreshed, his notifications had blown the fuck up. He scrolled through, seeing himself mentioned in tons of tweets that said things like  _

 

_ “I can’t believe you really did this…”  _

 

_ “This is going to be on the internet forever, are you stupid?” _

 

_ “I’m surprised he showed his face in the video… anyone with half a brain would at LEAST obscure their face.” _

 

_ “Do you even think?” _

 

_ Johnny was confused as fuck to say the least, scrolling through all these mentions… until he found the source of it. Some account with the display name “Kai” had posted the video and captioned it with “Johnny Seo has head game.”  _

 

_ Johnny could feel his heart drop when he saw the video begin to play. It was almost like an out of body experience, or maybe he wasn’t himself, perhaps it was all a dream. Johnny had started shaking, realising that this was real and that there was really nothing he could do about it. Ten had crossed the floor and had his hands on Johnny’s shoulders, telling him to calm down-- which Johnny didn’t understand why until later. He had started having a panic attack and he was breathing so hard and loud that Ten thought he was going to fall over and faint right there in front of him. Ten grabbed water for Johnny and tried to hand it to him but he was too hysterical to even think about drinking water. Johnny didn’t know what to do with himself as he stood from where he was sitting and put his hands on his head. _

 

_ “What am I gonna do, Ten?” Johnny’s face was turning red and he wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn’t come out.  _

 

_ Ten was up by his side in an instant, looping his arms through Johnny’s and hugging him. His head hit at Johnny’s chest and he tried to be as comforting as possible. Johnny felt like everything was completely fucked, but he also felt like he was at home for the first few seconds that Ten was in his arms. He rested his cheek on the top of his head and wrapped his arms around him. And that night, Ten stayed with Johnny and was more than happy to let Johnny hold onto him when he slept. And he didn’t say anything when Johnny started crying into the back of Ten’s head. He just grabbed one of Johnny’s hands that was gently clinging to him and held onto it tight.  _

 

Johnny swore, frustrated that the memories had taken over his head while he just stood there in the middle of the party— which was mostly full by now. Johnny had a red cup shoved in his hand by Taeil who had been around, just mingling and seeing what kind of crowd had came in tonight. Taeil came close to Johnny’s ear. 

 

“They’re coming in, I’ll take care of Ten.” He said, disappearing in the small wave of people with a drink in hand. 

 

Johnny looked toward the front of the room and saw Ten come in with some guy trailing him. He was on the shorter side with blonde hair and a familiar face. The guy was smiling and the expression seemed to never leave his face. Johnny leaned back against the wall he was beside and waited for Taeil to do his thing.

 

Johnny downed what was in his cup and longed for the burn that he could no longer feel when he drank. At this point it was all the same to him, everything felt weak. He watched as Ten and his friend made their way toward him. Ten made eye contact with Johnny and the biggest smile spread across his face; he sped up, getting to the tower of a boy who leaned against the wall and was eager to introduce the boy beside him.

 

“Hey fatass!” Ten was excited to see him, so much so that he rushed himself into Johnny’s arms. He held onto Ten for as long as he could before feeling him pull back to his original position. “This is my friend, Lee Minhyung. He’s Minji’s brother!! He goes by Mark.”

 

People were starting to get too close to Johnny for his liking as bodies nudged against him and people brushed past. The other two seemed to be okay with it, but Johnny wanted to shrink. Mark beamed at Johnny with the same happy expression he was wearing when he walked in the door. The boy was cute and he definitely looked younger than either Ten or himself. His eyes were bright and full of life and his nose scrunched every so often… it must’ve been a nervous tick. 

 

“Hey Mark, my name’s Johnny.” Johnny did a little wave and offered up a smile. 

 

“Hi. It's good to meet you, Ten talks about you all the time. I’m glad I can finally put a face to the name.” Mark chuckled a bit as the last word left his mouth. 

 

_ Ten talks about you all the time.  _

 

“I see some people from my university here, I’m going to go say hello. I’ll catch you guys later!!” Mark whisked himself away. Johnny wasn’t surprised that Mark had friends here. He seemed like the type that everyone wanted to be friends with. He was friendly and cheerful. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with him?

 

“So you talk about me all the time?” Johnny smirked as Ten took his place next to him and leaned against the wall to see the party in full swing on display.

 

“Of course I do, you’re one of my best friends. Where’s the drink fairy?” he meant Taeil, he had a knack for putting drinks in the hands of his friends at parties— which is why Taeil making sure that Ten got plastered was such a good idea. It was normal for him to drop drinks randomly and you could really never knew what you were going to get when you took a swig out of the plastic cup. He had brought Johnny a half-full cup of everclear before and Johnny drank it blindly. He was more than surprised when the drink passed his lips to say the least. 

 

“I haven’t seen him in a few minutes, he should come through soon, though. He’s like an ice cream man, just stick your hand out and he’ll know you want a treat.” 

 

Sure enough, Taeil was back in a matter of minutes with two cups of tequila in his hands. He gave one to Ten and the other to Johnny. He ducked into Johnny’s shoulder.

 

“Ten’s has a shot or so of everclear.” He whispered, patting Johnny’s shoulder before going on his way, stopping to talk to people along his route.

 

Johnny watched with clear eyes as Ten took a swig of his drink, grimacing at the burn. He was a lightweight anyways, he could never hold many drinks before he got to the point that he couldn’t take care of himself. Johnny, of course, wouldn’t let him get to that point because that would be wrong, but he did want him to be at least a little drunk when he told him the big news so that he didn’t remember it.

 

The beat of a familiar song pulsated through the partygoers and Johnny suddenly felt alive. He had to dance, he couldn’t help but to feel the beat of this song.

 

“Wanna dance with me?” Ten looked at him with a raised eyebrow and Johnny could nearly kick himself, feeling like a complete dumbass. “Come on, Ten. Live a little.”

 

Johnny turned to stand in front of Ten, taking him by the wrist and dissolving the two of them into the horde of people. He found a place that felt right and let the music move him and Ten soon followed suit. He stood on his toes, leaning in toward Johnny’s ear so he could be heard over the music.

 

“This is fun, we’ve never danced together before.” Ten was smiling when he pulled back from Johnny.

 

“You’ve known me for three years, I’m kind of a catch, Ten.”

 

Someone knocked Ten forward and making him press against Johnny. It was sick irony that Ten was always falling into Johnny all the while Johnny was falling for Ten. Johnny could’ve gagged himself with a spoon. When Ten straightened himself, he didn’t step back. The song ended and Johnny couldn’t take his eyes away from Ten’s. The loud room felt silent and empty, almost like he was in a bubble. He felt himself leaning forward and he knew that Ten wasn’t drunk but he couldn’t help himself, he wanted to kiss him so bad, he wanted to tell him everything that was on his mind. His head was screaming  _ I’m in love with you! I’m in love with you!  _ But nothing came out from his lips,

 

“What song was that? It was so fucking good.”

 

Johnny snapped back to reality and felt sweat trickle on his temple. He felt dazed as the music began to drone in his ears again and the bass filled his chest.

 

“It was ‘Baby Don’t Stop’ by this band called NCT. It’s catchy as fuck, right?”

 

“Yeah it was, I’m going to have to listen to it again later, it can be our song.” Ten laughed and Johnny swooned. 

 

Commotion broke out toward the front door as Johnny turned his head to see what was going on.

 

“MINJI!” The small group of people who were more or less huddled around the front door were cheering as Minji walked through the door. Johnny’s heart sank.  _ She isn’t supposed to be here yet, if even at all.  _

 

Johnny looked back at Ten to see his smile directed at Minji rather than him now. Ten separated from Johnny to go great Minji. He made it over to her and kissed her cheek. Johnny’s fist balled involuntarily and he dug his nails into the palm of his hand to stop from doing anything stupid or irrational like crying right here in the middle of this party. He watched as Minji’s hand fit into Ten’s and he pulled her toward Johnny. Johnny wanted nothing more than to have Ten’s hand fit into his, it just wasn’t fair. He panicked as he saw them progressing toward him, turning and scanning the crowd to try and find Taeil’s head amongst the sea of people. The only familiar face he could find was Mark standing alone to the side. He had a cup in his hand and he looked terribly uncomfortable, the smile he had worn earlier was gone and his eyes had grown wider than before. Mark looked up and his doe-eyes made contact with Johnny, the grin returning to his features and Johnny couldn’t help but to return it back to him.

 

Johnny cut the swarm of people, closing the gap between him and Mark until he was face to face with the boy.

 

“Hey, did your friends leave you?” Mark nodded, taking a sip out of his cup.

 

“They had to go. They only stopped by to see Jaehyun and so… they left me.” Mark laughed again but it didn’t hold the same bubbliness as before, it was more pained than anything.

 

“You know Minji’s here?”

 

“Huh? Oh, no I didn’t. That’s unfortunate. I hate being around them when they’re together. They make it so awkward, I hate the straights.” Johnny could tell that mark with speaking with gentle distaste in his voice. “I love Ten to death, and I obviously love my sister. But together…” Mark shook head head and took another drink from the red cup.

 

“You’re gay?” Johnny could only fixate on the fact that Mark had referred to them as “the straights.” He almost laughed out loud when the words had left Mark’s mouth.

 

“I’m bi, actually. I like boys more, though. Sometimes the straight just jumps out.”

 

Johnny actually laughed at that, a small laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

 

“I’m gay. One hundred percent. No doubt about it.” Johnny shifted on his feet. He had always been gay but he had never said it out loud before. It was a big step and he immediately felt a tad bit uncomfortable as he felt Mark’s eyes on him.

 

“A lucky man, I wish I could stop liking girls.” Mark paused, finishing off his drink. “Hey, you wanna dance?”

 

The offer took Johnny by surprise, but he, of course, did love to dance.

 

“Yeah, sure, that sounds like a lot of fun.”

 

Ten was pushed from Johnny’s mind for the time being as he took Mark’s hand in his, Mark fitting his fingers between Johnny’s and holding on for dear life. It felt nice. Nice enough. Johnny stopped at about the middle of the room and Mark was more than eager to dance with Johnny. The song that was playing had a very groovy sound to it, people around them were grinding their bodies together, bashing at the hips like paper dolls. Mark and Johnny were no exception.

 

It had been a long time since Johnny had done something like this-- he had stopped being “promiscuous” whenever The Video had surfaced. It felt good to let go and to let some cute twink grind himself against his crotch. Johnny bit his lip and he couldn’t stop his hands from attaching to Mark’s hips and following them as he vibed to the beat of the song against Johnny.

 

The song eventually came to an end and the boys managed to break apart from having air sex. Mark looked at Johnny and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 

“I’m going to go ask my sister when we’re leaving, but I was wondering if I could get your number so we could maybe hang out sometime?” Mark’s eyes were pleading and Johnny couldn’t ever bring himself to say no. He took the boys phone from his hand and punched in his number, sending himself a text from his phone so he could put his contact into his phone later. Mark split the crowd once again and made his way to where Ten and Minji were standing, a little off to the side but still in the flow and group of people.

 

It felt like it had been hours since Johnny had spoken to or even thought about Ten. He  _ had  _ to be more drunk by now, he had to be. Taeil should’ve been taking care of it whilst the party was going, and Johnny trusted that Taeil had done what he was supposed to do, he felt even better when his eyes flitted over and saw Ten gripping his red cup with a big goofy grin on his face.

 

Johnny saw his opportunity and seized it as Mark had began talking to Minji and Ten was standing there, gently separated from the two as they talked. Johnny followed the line that Mark had walked and approached the three of them, grabbing Ten and pulling him by the upper part of his arm and whispering in his ear.

 

“Do you want to dance again?”

 

The song was decently slow, enough that it would be more of a song to talk to than anything.

 

“A little slow, isn’t it?” Ten’s speech was a little slurred.

 

“Please, I can dance to anything.” 

 

Johnny and Ten started to weave to the beat of the song. It was a slow jam, making it hard to do anything but sway in place.

 

_ This is it. You just have to say what’s on your mind and then fuck off because he won’t remember any of it. You can do this, Seo. Your life has been leading up to this. Your fuckboy days have prepared you to do this. Say it. Say it. Say it you little bitch. _

 

“Ten, I need to talk to you.” was all he could manage to get out of his mouth initially. Ten looked up at him, a tiny smile splaying itself on his lips causing them to be shaped like the number three. God, he was so fucking cute. “Ten…”

 

Johnny’s voice trailed off as he thought about what he was doing. He was really about to tell Ten that he had feelings for him. Not only that, but that he was in  _ love  _ with him. Johnny could barely breathe.

 

“Yeah, Johnny? What’s wrong?” Ten didn’t sound as drunk anymore, but Johnny’s words had already started oozing from his mouth, he wanted to pull them back but he couldn’t. He couldn’t fucking stop himself.

 

“Ten… I like you. I really like you.” Johnny said. Ten nodded.

 

“I like you too, Johnny. You’re a really great friend to me.

 

“No, no. I mean… I really like you. I love you.” Johnny’s words spewed out of his mouth like water out of a hydrant. 

 

“I love you too. You didn’t have to tell me this, we’ve been friends for a long time.”

 

“Goddamnit, Ten. I don’t mean like that. I really like you. I wish we could be together but we can’t because of Minji. I love you, Ten. I have since day one and nothing can change that. I wish I could be more than your friend.”

 

Ten’s eyes had gone wide and his lips had parted and Johnny knew that something along the way had gone so terribly fucking wrong. Ten’s reaction was all wrong, he should’ve been taking it with a grain of salt and not looking at Johnny like he was the biggest fucking circus freak he had ever seen in  his life. Johnny took a step back, he felt like everyone was staring at him as he couldn’t bear to break eye contact with Ten as his eyes bore into his soul.

 

“Johnny…?” Ten only said one word, but it was enough to make Johnny head for the hills. He turned, running straight into Taeil and smashing two red cups filled with mystery alcohol between their bodies. It spilled down the front of Johnny, barely getting a drop on Taeil.

 

Taeil’s eyes looked past Johnny and at Ten. He did a double take, realising what had just happened and he looked at Johnny in horror.

 

“You headass, I wasn’t ready!” he yelled over the music. Johnny pushed past him, speeding past Minji and Mark, not giving them the chance to speak to him.

 

He was out on the street quickly, making his way down the sidewalk and hooking a left into the convenience store that was about a block away. He strolled right up to the counter. He had to look like a damn mess. He could feel his clothes sticking to him from how high the temperature was in the party. He knew his hair was probably fucked up, and he knew he smelled like alcohol from how much had spilled on him on his way out.

 

“Two packs of Esse, please.”

 

The attendant gave Johnny a look of disapproval before turning and retrieving the two white boxes from the shelf behind her. She rang up the transaction on the register and took his money. He told her to keep the change as he grabbed his cigarettes and hurried out of the bright lights and back onto the dark street.

 

Johnny had to get away from people. He didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, he just wanted to be alone. He had fucked up a good friendship all because his dumbass plan had gone awry.  _ I’m so fucking stupid, I should’ve waited, I should’ve fucking waited.  _ Johnny wanted to kick himself. In fact, he wanted to bury himself alive so he wouldn’t have to face Ten in class on monday morning. He didn’t want to exist, he just wanted to leave.

 

Johnny finally ended up at a familiar place. He had walked a pretty decent distance and had ended up at the school’s baseball field. He climbed the bleachers, skipping a couple steps at a time and finally feeling hot tears trickle down his cheeks. He didn’t bother wiping them away. He sat down on one of the many rows of bleachers near the top, his phone pressing tightly against his leg from inside his pocket and he could feel it buzzing wildly. He took it out, placing it next to him on the metal seat and opening one of the packs of Esse that he bought.

 

Johnny hadn’t smoked in a long time. He was so proud of himself for quitting cold turkey and never going back… but old habits die hard. He clutched the cigarette between his lips and lit it, inhaling the smoke and letting it fill his lungs. He exhaled, letting the smoke leave him. The smoke kind of burned his throat where it had been so long since his last smoke, but it brought a rush of calmness over him that wouldn’t be there otherwise. The tears still silently fell down his cheeks as he grabbed his phone. It was still buzzing beside him and it was starting to irritate the fuck out of him.

 

He was getting a call from Taeil. One of the last people he wanted to talk to in this moment. He felt like his chest was going to burst, his heart was hurting so bad. He couldn’t escape the immense pressure he felt, it was almost an unimaginable pain. He rejected the call and powered off his phone, swinging his long legs over the bench and stretching them out, laying back on the bleachers and looking up at the sky. He was uncomfortable as fuck, but at least he had a nice view of the stars tonight.

 

Looking at the stars always made Johnny feel so small and insignificant-- and he liked that. Any issue he had, the vast skyline always put it into perspective just how small he really was in the grand scheme of things. Johnny smoked a couple cigarettes, letting them cradle him in their toxic embrace while they burned his throat and nose.

 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep there, and he honestly didn’t plan to sleep at the baseball field and to be honest the fact that Taeil could apparently get into his dorm whenever he damn well pleased, Johnny figured he was better off here. The sun rising high above him, blinding his senses is what woke him up the next morning. He groaned, his neck and back aching more than they had ever in his life. He rubbed his eyes, his brow furrowing as he sat up and looked around him. He was still alone and he was thankful for that. Happy that a groundskeeper hadn’t come to kick him out during the night because the last place he would want to go is home. 

 

Johnny was cold, he wrapped his arms around himself as he rose to his feet. He nearly went off and left his phone laying there on the seat, but grabbed it right before he walked away from the field. As he walked down the once before travelled sidewalk, he brought his phone close to his face, turning on the device and watching it power on. His home screen popped up before a stream of messages flashed onto his screen as well as missed calls. He saw texts from Ten, but as soon as he saw the name from which the messages were sent, he swiped them to the left, getting them out of his notifications so he wouldn’t even have to think about the fact that Ten existed and knew how Johnny felt about him somewhere out there.But Taeil had sent him dozens of messages, clearly worried about Johnny and his whereabouts.

 

**Taeil 1:13 a.m**

_ I’m so sorry Johnny… I didn’t know you were going to go for it so early, I would’ve done more if I knew. Please call me back. _

 

_ Johnny, please. _

 

**1:25 a.m**

_ I know you’re mad at me but I’m worried about you. You don’t just disappear like this. _

 

_ Where are you??? _

 

**3:01 a.m**

_ I’m in your dorm now and I’m really fucking worried about you, kid. What the fuck?  _

 

_ You better be okay. _

 

_ This is my fault, please Johnny. Just come home we can talk about it. I can help you make this right. _

 

**4:44 a.m**

_ I’m so sorry. _

 

Johnny let out a deep sigh, putting his phone in his pocket and picking up his pace a little. Taeil had sent the last message at 4:44 which was just a little over an hour ago, he had to be in Johnny’s dorm still.

 

***

 

Sure enough, when Johnny walks into his dorm and slips his shoes off at the door, Taeil was crumpled in his bed sound asleep. Johnny walked over to him, not even hesitating and shook his shoulder. Taeil’s eyes opened and he immediately sat up in bed, putting his arms around Johnny and hugging him.

 

“You big dumbass, where the fuck have you been?” he said as he embraced Johnny. 

 

Johnny broke away from him and ran a hand through his fucked hair.

 

“Please, I’m okay I just want to be alone. Can you leave?” Johnny’s voice shook as he spoke, the remnants of tears prominent as he tried to stay strong.

 

“Let me stay with you, Jay. I’ll get you some food and something to drink. You look horrible.”

 

“Taeil, please.”

 

“Johnny, I’m so sorry for everything, please, I--”

 

Johnny shook his head, silencing Taeil. He looks sad and Johnny knows that he’s sorry-- he’s honestly not mad or upset with Taeil in the slightest. It isn’t Taeil’s fault; it's his own. He’s the one who fucked everything up because he was impatient and couldn’t wait. This was all on Johnny. Taeil rose to his feet, slipping his shoes on at the door and stepping out into the hallway.

 

“Text me if you need anything, please call me when you feel like it. And stop fucking smoking, you smell like an ashtray.”

 

Johnny was silent until Taeil was out of his dorm. He shed himself of his clothes and fell back onto his bed, clutching one of his pillows that was on the bed and pressing it against his face. He revelled in the cool fabric for a moment before he screamed into the stuffing, trying his hardest to let out some frustration with himself and just the whole situation. He stared up at the ceiling and gazed at the cracking paint above him. He wanted to forget that yesterday had ever happened. He thought that he was doing pretty good because it felt like yesterday was weeks, months, even years ago. He thought his efforts to shove the thoughts out of his head would be helpful, aiding him in forgetting all of this shit.

 

But, his efforts were fruitless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, please leave me some feedback whether it's a kudos to tell me that you enjoyed it, or a comment telling me how much you hate it, i'm open to any and all criticism!!  
> you can find me at these places too  
> twitter: @wyhpcy


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m a mess, I don’t even know myself,  
> my future is colored darkly  
> I’m struggling, coloring this night even blacker,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is short but it's important!!!!!! i hope you like it heh :] i've been really good about posting weekly so i'm pretty proud of myself

The periodic knocks on Johnny’s door didn’t stop from sun up to sun down. He had managed to get out of going to class until Wednesday by telling his professors that he had contracted a stomach bug. Johnny wasn’t so much sad as he was angry at himself by Tuesday afternoon. He hadn’t really stepped out of his dorm since he had gotten home on Sunday morning. And he didn’t really plan to leave until his little sick leave was over and he’d have to return to class at 10 a.m bright and early on Thursday morning. He’d have to see Ten at ten and he was dreading even the thought of it. The good thing about all of this was that once he finished both packs of Esse, he didn’t have the urge to run out and get another pack. In fact, he really didn’t have the urge to do anything.  He didn’t eat, he didn’t talk to anyone, he didn’t really even move.

 

Johnny finally let Taeil in on Wednesday morning. Rather, he yelled an impish “come in,” at the door. Johnny was sitting on the floor with his back against the bed. He had been drinking and his eyes were heavy with enervation.

 

“Johnny, come on. Change your clothes, let’s go eat chicken and then we’re going to Dore Dore.” Taeil paused as Johnny looked up at him with his dark eyes. “How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything?”

 

“Since Saturday. I’m not hungry.”

 

“Stop being a headass, Jay. Get dressed or I’ll drag you out of this room in those crusty clothes. And don’t give me that look.”

 

Johnny was pouting up at Taeil with his arms crossed. He was acting like a child, being stubborn and not listening to what he knew he should do. And, admittedly, he was being a goddamn headass. Despite how stubborn he was, he did get up from the floor. He stumbled a bit, the alcohol he had been consistently drinking over the past few days still a bit prominent in his brain. Taeil was over at his wardrobe, sifting through clothes before pulling out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and tossing them at Johnny. He went to go wait out in the hallway whilst he got dressed.

 

Johnny emerged from the room with the energy of a rain cloud. Taeil put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him down the hallway. The pair said nothing, but it was a comfortable silence. Everything was always comfortable with Taeil. Johnny was thankful he could always be completely himself around him. Johnny loved Taeil with his whole heart and Taeil felt the same for Johnny. Their friendship was impeccable.

 

Taeil dragged Johnny to Sai Chicken which was a fairly new restaurant in Seoul that he had been wanting to try for a while now. They sat down across from each other and of course they attracted looks from the other people going about their day just because they looked a little different. Taeil’s outfit today was pretty reserved compared to what he typically wore, choosing to wear a cropped black hoodie, black jeans that were ripped in the knees with checkered vans. A bored waitress made her way over to them as they did a once over of their menus. She looked at Johnny first, asking what they wanted to drink.

 

“I’ll take a beer.” Johnny said, giving her a gentle smile. Taeil rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m paying, we’ll take two Dr Pepper’s, please,” he closed his menu and handed it to her. “We’re ready to order our food as well, we just want an order of the chicken and fries.”

 

The waitress nodded and Johnny tossed a small “thank you” over his shoulder as she went to put their order in and bring them their drinks.

 

“How long are you going to be like this? You’re being a bit stubborn, Johnny.”

 

Johnny put his head in his hands, his elbows resting on the table. “I know. Thank you for taking care of me…”

 

“It’s what I do, Jay. I know you’d do the same for me.” Taeil took a drink of his Dr Pepper before folding his hands in front of him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

He rolled his eyes and Taeil knew it wasn’t directed toward him. “I don’t know, I’m just the biggest dumbass and I know I caused all this shit and ruined my friendship with Ten so I just can’t pull myself out of this slump. I just want to go away for a while, lay low until it's all over, you know? I’m half tempted to go back home to the states for a while.”

 

“Have you even tried talking?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“To Ten, I mean. You know you dumped your feelings on him and then you just… left… Has he tried to contact you or anything?”

 

Johnny reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, handing it to Taeil. “He has, I just can’t bear to look at it.” Taeil took the device from his hands and unlocked it, navigating his way to Johnny’s text messages. “He also tried calling me a few times during the first couple of days but… he stopped that.”

 

“Why didn’t you answer? You didn’t even open any of his messages.”

 

“I know, I told you I couldn’t.”

 

Taeil flipped Johnny’s phone around, showing him the messages that Ten had sent. He couldn’t look away, he just took the phone back from Taeil and started scrolling.

 

**Ten 1:30 a.m (Sunday)**

 

_Johnny, please come back. Can we talk?_

 

_I hope you’re okay… Taeil’s been looking for you._

 

**Ten 4:00 a.m (Sunday)**

 

_Sleep well…_

 

**Ten 10:07 a.m (Monday)**

 

_You’re not coming to class…? Are you okay???_

 

**Ten 10:30 a.m (Monday)**

 

_At least let me know you’re good. Please, at least give me that._

 

_I’m worried about you, you were drunk and you just left and now you’re completely MIA._

 

“I wasn’t drunk, I can’t believe he thinks I’m a lightweight.” Johnny said, moving his arms off the table as the basket of chicken and fries were placed in front of him and Taeil.

 

“It honestly takes so long for you to get drunk, I feel bad for you.” Taeil let out a soft laugh and grabbed some chicken as Johnny continued reading.

 

**Ten 1:04 p.m (Monday)**

 

_A popup stand was selling ice cream in the pavilion today. I had half a mind to bring you some because I know how much you love it._

 

**Ten 10:43 p.m (Monday)**

 

_Sleep well Johnny_

 

**Ten 7:02 a.m (Tuesday)**

 

_You have your performance class today, don’t you?_

 

**Ten 7:03 a.m (Tuesday)**

 

_Would be a shame if I just showed up lolololol._

 

**Ten 1:13 p.m (Tuesday)**

 

_You didn’t go to your classes today either >:( _

 

_This isn’t fair, why are you avoiding me? We’re friends, why can’t we just talk???_

 

_I’m getting a little frustrated at you. I really don’t understand you._

 

**Ten 12:49 a.m (Today)**

 

_Sleep well fatass._

 

**Ten 12:00 p.m (Today)**

 

_I saw Taeil a few minutes ago. I asked him to go see you because I know you won’t run from him._

 

_Hope he kicks your ass_

 

_I’m just kidding, I miss you being around_

 

**Ten 12:03 p.m (Today)**

 

_I didn’t tell anyone btw. Not even Minji. No one knows._

 

Johnny’s eye twitched at the mention of her name… He’d just rather not think about her and Ten together. It was less painful that way and in fact, he had almost forgotten that she had even existed. Almost.

 

“He really did spam me, huh.” Johnny locked his phone and set it on the table.

 

“Let’s not worry about it now, Johnny. We’re at Sai chicken, it's expensive. So eat it before it gets cold.”

 

A small smile played itself on Johnny’s lips. He thought again of the messages Ten had sent about missing him and how he almost brought him ice cream just because he liked it. I fucking hate straight boys. He dug into the fries that were sitting untouched by Taeil in the basket, stuffing them in his mouth. He was hungry, he hadn’t eaten in days and he had really started to regret it because it felt like his belly button was starting to gnaw on his spine. But he had ignored it, all in favour of being the stubborn bitch that he is.

 

The boys managed to eat about half of the chicken that was served to them-- which was about six pieces… the portions at Sai were monstrous to say the least. Taeil had the waitress box it up for Johnny to take home because he knew that Johnny wouldn’t feed himself again until he felt better. Taeil paid and they made their way down the street to Dore Dore which is honestly what Johnny had been looking forward to since Taeil had dragged him out.

 

They crossed into the cafe and were immediately hit in the face with the scent of various baked goods, the fresh aroma wafting through the room as they made their way to the counter. Johnny couldn’t hide his heart eyes as he ordered a slice of rainbow layered cake covered in thick white icing along with a glass of iced chocolate milk (it’s good, Johnny swears by it). Taeil got nothing but an iced americano, claiming he was watching his figure. Johnny rolled his eyes at the slim boy before turning to go sit down at one of the many bistro tables scattered about the cafe. Taeil sipped his coffee with his head resting on his hand, watching Johnny as he ate.

 

“Do you feel good, Johnny?”

 

Truthfully, Johnny did feel better than he did when he left his dorm a couple hours ago. His belly was full and he felt warm inside. His mind had stopped fixating on his mistake for the time being and he was just enjoying these moments with Taeil. His best friend really did know how to cheer him up-- even if it was just from buying him chicken and cake. Johnny was a simple man.

 

He nodded to answer the older boys question, his mouth too full of cake to elicit a verbal response. He held out a forkful of the colourful cake to Taeil, threatening to fling it on him when he shook his head, putting his hand up in front of his mouth to signal that he didn’t want any. Taeil rolled his eyes and leaned forward, his lips sliding over the fork and eating the cake. He wore an angry expression, his eyebrows furrowed as he chewed and he kept eye contact with Johnny.

 

“Don’t be such a baby, its just cake.”

 

Taeil flipped him off and Johnny’s eyes disappeared behind his smile as he took big gulps of his chocolate milk.

 

***

 

**Ten 11:32 p.m (Today)**

_Sleep well._

***

 

With the events of Wednesday still fresh in his mind, Johnny was prepared to face whatever was going to happen when he showed up for class on Thursday. He got up and got dressed, not wanting to prolong this shit anymore. He did, however, opt out of going to the retaining wall where he would usually meet up with Ten and Minji before class so that he and Ten could walk together. He ran his hands through his hair as the wind had developed a harsher bite to it. He wished he had slipped on a hoodie or at least a light jacket.

 

He showed up to class just as his professor had began talking. He had done that on purpose so that there would be no free time for Ten to come up to him and talk. He slid into the desk in the very back corner next to the door rather than going to sit in the empty seat next to Ten where he usually resided. Class went off without a hitch and Johnny actually got more done than he ever had before. He took coherent notes and paid attention to the entire lecture. He felt Ten’s eyes on him a couple times and ignored it when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He knew it was him. He just wasn’t ready for this yet. Not now.

 

When class was over, Johnny stood, gathering his things and shoving them into his bag.

 

“Johnny.” He heard Ten’s smooth voice for the first time in days and it sent an uneasy chill down his spine that made him freeze in his tracks for a moment. Ten’s voice was home, it had comforted him when he was sad or angry and hearing it made him want to drop everything and go weak for the boy. But Johnny remembered that Ten would never reciprocate the same feelings that he harboured. Things could never be as they were before because Ten now knew the truth about their friendship. Johnny took a deep breath, the realisation hitting him hard as he bit back tears that threatened to leak out of his eyes. He didn’t want to do this here, there were too many people to witness him cry over a boy that would never love him back.

 

Johnny made it back into the safety of his dorm and got ready for his next class, which happened to be performance prep. He dropped his bag at his door once he stepped inside and grabbed the box of chicken from his mini fridge, popping a few pieces into his microwave that sat on top of his bookshelf and placing the rest of the chicken back into the fridge. Johnny heard a knock at his door and called a “come in!” over his shoulder. He heard his door click open and close before a gentle gasp came from whoever had entered his room.

 

“I can’t believe you have a single.”

 

Johnny turned to see Mark standing in the middle of his room, wearing a button down shirt that was paneled with different colours and his hair was styled the exact same way it had been the night the two had met. Johnny looked at him quizzically, questions running through his head and all he could get out was a broken:

 

“Uhhhh…”

 

“Oh, sorry. Minji told me where you stayed. I hope that’s okay. I just really wanted to see you again and you hadn’t replied to any of my texts… And Minji said you were kind of being like that to everyone for some reason. So I decided to stop by.” Mark’s face remained neutral. When he wasn’t smiling he looked so much like Minji that it wasn't funny. In fact it kind of made Johnny uneasy. He thought that dancing with Mark at Jaehyun’s party was nice at the time-- which don’t get him wrong, it definitely was-- but now that Mark was standing in the middle of his dorm, he was thinking back on his decision. He didn’t like the fact that he was here unannounced. He really wished he would leave, quite frankly.

 

“I’ve been going through some stuff so I didn’t want to be around people. Do you-- do you want some chicken?” _Please say no, please say no._ Johnny really didn’t know why he had even asked him in the first place.

 

“Sure, I love chicken.” Goddamnit.

 

Johnny took the chicken that had finished being heated out of the microwave and handed it to Mark. “It’s from Sai. I went there with Taeil yesterday. You know Taeil, right?” Johnny made his way back to his mini fridge and got the last of his chicken out, putting it on a sad paper plate and popping it in the microwave.

 

“I know his name, heard a lot of talk about him.” _Everybody loves Taeil._ “Is there… anything going on between--”

 

Johnny cut him off with a sharp laugh. “Hell no, that’s my best friend. Nothing like that would ever happen between us.”

 

He retrieved his chicken from the microwave, stopping it right before the timer hit zero to avoid the beeping sound.

 

“Oh, good. That changes things.”

 

“Huh?” Johnny said through a mouthful of chicken.

 

“I’ve been thinking about you ever since the party, Johnny. I feel like we had a connection.”

 

“A… connection?” Johnny coughed, grabbing a water bottle from the plastic case that rested on his floor and cracking it open, taking long gulps.

 

“Yeah. You can’t tell me you don’t feel it too. We clicked.” They really didn’t. Mark hadn’t touched his chicken and that kind of made Johnny the slightest bit irritated because he didn’t want anything to go to waste.

 

“Mark, I really don’t know what to say to you…”

 

“You really don’t have to say anything, you know.” Mark stood up from sitting on the edge of Johnny’s bed, setting his paper plate of chicken on the sheets. He started to close the gap between them. “There are other ways of talking.”

 

“You know, I really have to get to class. So I should really go. But like, thanks for stopping by to see about me. It was nice seeing you again, Mark.” Johnny set his plate down as well, corralling Mark to the door and pretending to pick up his backpack like he was about to leave for class. “I’ll see you around.”

 

“Oh, okay. Maybe some other time. See ya, Johnny.”

 

Johnny shut the door and locked it behind Mark. He leaned his back against the thick wooden portal and slid down, his knees coming to his chest. He laughed at the situation that had just unfolded. What the fuck? He couldn’t stop the giggles that fell from between his lips, running his hand through his hair.

 

“Johnny Seo, you still got it you fucking twink magnet.” he laughed even harder before he stood and grabbed the untouched plate of chicken, putting it back in the fridge and returning to his plate to enjoy his lunch before heading out to his performance class.

 

Johnny managed to squeeze in a nap before he had to leave for class and felt surprisingly refreshed as he walked across campus to the music building. It was always nice walking across campus, the university he went to was pretty even in the fall when the flowers had died and the leaves had fallen from their homes on the high branches of the trees that loomed overhead. Johnny breathed in the scent, autumn filling his senses as wind shook the loose wood as it blew through the trees. October was Johnny’s favourite month, he loved when it came around because it always ushered in the cold weather and the best movies always played on TV. Johnny felt pretty reasonably happy in this little heaven he was existing in as he made his way to class.

 

When he situated himself on the bench in front of his shiny black friend, he for once didn’t know what to do. Looking at the eighty-eight keys looking back at him with their long white fangs and beady black eyes took him aback and he wanted nothing more but to leave. This was the first time Johnny had ever felt intimidated by the one thing that was always constant in his life. He hated this newfound feeling. He wanted nothing more than for things to go back to how they were. He had to at least try to play. This was his fucking major, after all.

 

He lined his fingers up on the keys and took a deep breath. His eyes closed upon reflex and the began to tap the keys, banging the chords inside the body of the piano and ringing through the practice room. He had scared himself nearly to death thinking that he had stopped loving piano when all he had to do was play to get that feeling of being home again. The notes were beautiful, melodic, consistent, unchanging, everything that Johnny loved. He wanted to live inside of a musical note. To hear its perpetual sound ringing on and on into eternity. Actually, as he thought about it, that rather sounded like Hell. A consistent ringing. But Johnny really loved piano and the music he could make with it. This was his home.

 

Johnny lay in bed that night, looking at the ceiling, his hair still wet from his shower. He grabbed his phone from his night stand, realising he hadn’t checked it all day. When he unlocked it, Ten’s messages opened automatically, showing Johnny what he had said during class.

 

**Ten 10:03 a.m (Today)**

_You’re here today :]_

 

Johnny smiled at the message. He could see Ten’s smiling face in his head and he wanted nothing more than to see his smiling face in front of him. Johnny jumped when a new message buzzed through.

 

**Ten 11:43 p.m (Today)**

 

_Night, Johnny. Sleep well._

 

**Johnny 11:44 p.m (Today)**

_Goodnight. I miss you. :(_

**NOT DELIVERED**

 

**Ten 11:44 p.m (Today)**

 

_I can see you typing and erasing it. Send it, pussy._

 

_At least send me an emoji or some shit. Let me know you’re even getting these. At this point it's like I’m talking to a wall haaaa_

 

**Johnny 11:46 p.m (Today)**

_John Wall_

 

Johnny really hoped that Ten would know that John Wall was a basketball player because it completely ruined his joke if he didn’t know. Johnny locked his phone and fell into sleeps sweet embrace, drifting keenly on Ten’s goodnight wishes.

 

Friday was an easy day. Johnny didn’t have any classes on Friday’s and he spent the majority of the day cleaning up around his room and airing out the stale smell that had formed from how stagnant the air was. Johnny brought out his fan from under his bed and plugged it in, letting it circulate the air in the room and plopping on his bed. His room had definitely improved from the state it was in this morning. Thank god it was over and he could relax before he started on some homework he had due on Monday. He sighed, turning his head on his pillow to see the notebook sitting on top of his laptop waiting for him to find the motivation to do his work-- it never came easily.

 

Johnny heard a very soft and faint knock on his door. He got up, holding his breath and hoping to whatever god was supposed to be above him that Mark hadn’t come back. He unlocked his door and threw it open, expecting to see Taeil dressed to the nines to drag him out of his dorm, or maybe one of the guys from his floor coming to complain about noise or their roommate since Johnny was the RA. His eyes went wide as he took in the form that was in front of him. The black hair laying flat on their head and their lips curled into what seemed like a smile but was so obviously not. He was taken by utmost surprise to say the least.

 

“Johnny.” the sweet voice saying his name was laced with familiarity and it invited him in, making him nearly swoon right in the doorway. “You can’t run from me now, can you, Johnny?” it was almost Like Ten was challenging him. He raised an eyebrow, almost as if to say I caught you, bitch. And the expression on his lips was definitely twisted into a cheeky smile. Johnny sighed, all the colour draining from his face and making his skin feel like there were needles poking him all around. “Aren’t you going to let me in? Or are you just going to pretend I don’t exist again.”

 

“Ten, I--”

 

“Save it. We’re having that talk now, Johnny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! please leave me feedback, i love criticism of all kinds whether it's good or bad. and as always you can find me below
> 
> twitter: @wyhpcy


	4. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but which is real?  
> in my world without you  
> the only thing i have is to dream of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTAINS A HOMOPHOBIC SLUR* so if ur sensitive to that, please be weary, however it is at the very end, so,, 
> 
> anyways, HELLO! i'm so sorry I broke my "update every week" promise but this chapter... it was 11k and I needed to really take my time with it because it's the most important update so far. I hope u like it!!!

**Friday**

 

From what had happened six days earlier to now, Johnny never thought he’d have to be in this situation. Ten had pushed his way inside and sat at Johnny’s desk chair, swivelling it around to face him and Johnny was sitting cross-legged on his bed. A silence had fallen over the two and they had been sitting there for a good fifteen minutes before anyone got the balls to actually say anything. Johnny had taken the time to stare at Ten, indulging in what he felt like would be the last time he would see him up close considering they were having  _ the  _ talk. The “ _ I have a girlfriend and I’m painfully straight _ ” talk. Johnny was dreading it ever since he fucked up and told Ten the truth.

 

Johnny’s eyes wandered over Ten’s features, the way his eyes were downcast as he looked at the floor, obviously trying to gather his thoughts. His hands were folded neatly in front of him. His fingers were slender and fit together so perfectly. Johnny thought back to all the times that he had grabbed his hand before whenever they were in big crowds together, making sure they didn’t lose one another. Johnny wanted to smack himself, knowing that Ten had probably connected the dots with how touchy and affectionate Johnny had always been.  _ It probably all makes sense to him now.  _ Johnny’s eyes made their way to Ten’s face as he took him all in. His hair was black and parted to the side. His fringe was piecey and fell over one side of his forehead. Johnny still wanted to just kiss his forehead and hold him… if fucking only.

 

“I didn’t expect you to actually let me in.” Ten let out a forced laugh that hit Johnny’s ears awkwardly.

 

“Well, you really didn’t give me a choice.”

 

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

 

“Yeah, thanks. I just slept at the baseball field, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Johnny suddenly had the urge to smoke again as his night at the baseball field crept back into his mind.

 

“The baseball field? How did you even sleep there, there’s nothing but benches.”

 

“I-- I know that. I slept on a bench.” 

 

“That must’ve been really uncomfortable.” Ten’s eyes flicked up and met Johnny’s and he could only look away. 

 

“Can we not do this, Ten?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Pretending like nothing’s changed… trying to force this conversation about nothing because the tension is so fucking thick here that small talk is the only thing that comes to mind.”

 

“Nothing has changed, you’re the one who’s making everything different, Johnny.”

 

“You don’t think this is weird? Any of this?”  _ The fact that I told you that i have feelings for you. Told you that I was in love with you…  _ Johnny couldn’t get that last part to exit his parted lips.

 

“I never thought about you being gay. I don’t have a problem with it, you know Mark is gay?”

 

“I had a sneaking suspicion. And I never thought about me being gay either, I just am, Ten. I’m sorry.” Johnny rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, the hair standing on end as the tension grew even thicker.

 

“I just can’t believe it, I’ve been thinking about it ever since it happened. I talked to Mark about it.”

 

“Ten, you said you didn’t tell anyone.” Johnny honestly didn’t care that he had told Mark, he already knew Johnny was gay and he wouldn’t be surprised if he had overheard the whole ordeal that night. 

 

“Mark knew anyways, he heard everything.”  _ That makes it grimy that he’s tried to get in my pants. _ “But still, I just can’t believe you’re--”

 

“Well I am.” Johnny snapped a bit, standing. This was the reason he had never really came out to anyone. He didn’t want anyone to make a big deal out of it because it wasn’t a big deal. He just likes dick, what’s so hard to believe about that?

 

“I never thought about me being gay either, it really never crossed my mind.” Ten stood to meet Johnny in the middle of the floor, looking up into his eyes. They were glistening and from here, Johnny could see the dark circles that plagued Ten and for just a moment, Johnny understood perfectly what he meant.

 

“What’re you talking about…” Johnny backed up, trying to turn away from him, trying to escape his gaze because this couldn’t be real, this couldn’t really be happening. Johnny had half a mind to pinch himself to wake up from this dream as he felt Ten’s hands cup his face, so gentle and warm against his skin. Their touch brought him right back to where he was. He couldn’t bury his feelings like he had been for the past week. Johnny would burst if he had to pretend like distancing himself from Ten wasn’t the hardest thing he had ever done.

 

Johnny gasped as Ten raised himself on his toes, using Johnny’s shoulders for support. He felt Ten’s lips press against his, still wildly unexpected. They were soft and warm and he nearly pulled back out of shock…. but the opportunity to kiss the person you love under such circumstances really only comes once in a lifetime. So Johnny embraced it. His hands settled on Ten’s hips and he released Johnny’s cheeks, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck and completely losing himself in it. Johnny was in heaven and he swears that he had fallen asleep on his bed and that all of this really was a dream that he was about to be pulled from when Taeil found his way to Johnny’s dorm, wanting to go get food or to take Johnny to his mom’s house to make him something homemade. But the warmth of Ten’s body pressed against his own brought him to the realisation that this was happening; Ten was kissing him and he never wanted to let him go. 

 

Ten was the first to pull back and Johnny rested his forehead against the younger’s, the two making the most intimate eye contact that Johnny had ever experienced. He could feel Ten’s breath ghosting over his lips as he breathed, his eyes shifting from left to right. Ten moved his arms under johnny’s and rested his head in the crook of his neck. Johnny felt his body shake and the sounds of his sobs against his skin as he hugged him close, trying to be comforting while Ten cried.

 

“I’m sorry.” Ten said, pulling his face from Johnny’s neck. Johnny used his thumbs to swipe the tears away that were falling down Ten’s cheeks.

 

“Why are you crying?” Ten’s eyes dropped to Johnny’s chest and he sniffled. “Hm? What’s wrong?”

 

Ten shook his head and used his sleeve to wipe his face, taking a deep breath in. The sight of Ten’s red eyes with his tear stained cheeks broke Johnny’s heart.

 

“I’m sorry…” he said again, not able to answer Johnny’s question.

 

It hit Johnny that it was something he couldn’t fix.  _ Minji.  _ Johnny had to do what was right, he always had to be the good guy and sacrifice himself for others. He had to.

 

“Listen Ten, why don’t you go home and think about this? This is… big.”

 

“I’ve been thinking about it all week. That’s why I wanted to talk to you so bad. Now that I’ve realised, I don’t want to go home, I just want to see you.”

 

Johnny’s heart clenched at Ten’s words. But responsibility called him, he had to do the right thing, even if he really didn’t want to. “Why don’t you go home and get some sleep, we can talk about this in the morning, me and you.”

 

“Please, Johnny. Let me stay, I don’t want to leave. Just let me stay the night like we used to.”

 

“”Ten, don’t say it like that. You’re putting me in a hard place here and I’m about to just say fuck it.” Johnny pushed Ten away from him, separating their bodies and breaking the contact. “Think about this. Think about everything that will come with this.”

 

“Yeah, okay. You’re right.” Ten sniffled and smiled, his red eyes piercing into Johnny’s soul when the looked up at him pitifully. The smile was as fake as Johnny was acting right now and they both knew it.

 

“Text me when you get home and let me know you’re safe.” Johnny walked him out to the building entrance. Ten turned back to Johnny before stepping out and embraced him once more. Johnny wanted to kiss his forehead and tell him that everything was going to be okay… But he felt it would be stepping over a boundary; this was all so unexpected and he hoped that Ten didn’t change his mind when he woke up in the morning.

 

“Don’t forget to text me.”

 

***

 

**Crybaby 10:14 p.m**

 

_ I’ve thought about it, Johnny. I’m ready for our talk. _

 

_ I hope you know that when you say morning, I’m taking it as 12:01.  _

 

_ You can’t get rid of me that easy, fatass. _

 

Johnny chuckled, flipping off his lightswitch and falling into his bed. His homework still lying on his desk, long forgotten.

 

**Johnny 10:15 p.m**

 

_ Are you home? _

 

**Crybaby 10:15 p.m**

 

_ :( _

 

_ I’m not home yet or anything. I just really don’t want to go home. _

 

_ I know this was all really sudden but… I really have been thinking about this since you said it last sat. I’ve never questioned our friendship or how I felt. _

 

**Crybaby 10:19 p.m**

 

_ Idk I think I’ve been repressing it. Idek how I could say it with my own lips but I like you, Johnny. I like you a lot and I’m askamed I never realised it until now. But its always been there since that night you took care of me when I was a drunk freshman… I don’t think I realised what it was and of course you know where I come from. My family never made something like this an option… but I think that’s why we’ve always gotten along and why we’ve always been drawn to each other. I really like you Johnny. I don’t wanna go home. i just wanna see you. _

 

**Crybaby 10:20 p.m**

 

_ *** ashamed lololol _

 

Johnny stared at his phone screen as it illuminated his face in the darkness, he couldn’t believe what he was reading. Johnny was always hasty with the decisions he made, and now was no exception.

 

**Johnny 10:21 p.m**

 

_ Fuck, Ten. _

 

_ Do you know what you do to me? Do you even realise how hard you’re making it for me to do the right thing… _

 

_ Do you want to come back? _

  
  


**Crybaby 10:22 p.m**

 

_ I was hoping you’d see things my way.  _

  
  
  


**Saturday**

 

Johnny wasn’t exactly sure why he was doing what he was doing, but he was somehow barrelling down the highway in Ten’s car headed toward Incheon. 

 

_ When Ten had arrived back at Johnny’s place, he was still disgruntled.  _

 

_ “I want to leave campus, I just feel weird here right now.” Johnny knew what he meant. He knew that Ten felt weary about bumping into Minji while this was going on. _

 

_ “Where do you want to go?” Johnny took a drink from his water bottle before setting it back down on the floor.  _

 

_ “I wish I could go to the beach but it's so cold out.” _

 

_ “We’re just sixteen miles from Incheon.” _

 

_ “Do you want to go to Eurwangni? I’ll let you drive my car there. Please, I just want to get away from here.” _

 

_ Johnny blinked a couple times, weighing his options. Spend a few hours at a beach with Ten or try to coax him into staying here… the choice was obvious. Ten quickly left Johnny’s room to go get some things for their small excursion and Johnny decided to call Taeil. He scrolled down to his contact and clicked the little phone icon, bringing it to his ear to hear it ring out. When Taeil answered, Johnny could hear loud music thumping from the other side and Taeil yelling out a “WAIT!” Suddenly the music was muffled and he could hear Taeil’s choppy breathing on the other end of the line.  _

 

_ “Johnny, what’s up?” _

 

_ “Hey, am I interrupting?” _

 

_ “No, not at all. I’m just at a party but it's starting to die down a little. You need something?” _

 

_ “I just wanted to let you know that I’m going on a small trip this weekend and I’m not sure when I’ll be back… I thought it might just be for a few hours but he went to go pack some things so it might be the whole weekend.” The other end of the line was silent besides Taeil’s breathing. _

 

_ “He? Listen I know you’re upset but you shouldn’t go somewhere with someone you don’t know well. Who even is it?” Taeil was always protective of Johnny. Always there to take care of him when he didn’t even think he needed it.  _

 

_ “Oh, I’ve known him for a few years now. It’s Ten.” Johnny chuckled as Taeil let out a choked breath on the other end.  _

 

_ “Ten? As in Ten-Ten? What am I missing here?” _

 

_ “Yes, it's The Ten and its complicated, but I’ll tell you everything when I get back— whenever I get back. I just wanted to let you know because I don’t want to take my phone and I didn’t want you to worry your pretty little head.” the smile on Johnny’s face was obvious on his voice. “Also don’t tell anyone. Please, even if they ask you where we are. None of this was supposed to happen.” _

 

_ “You’ll have a lot of explaining to do when you get back. You have to tell me what happens but… have fun Johnny.” _

 

_ They said their goodbyes and hung up as Johnny started to pack his own bag, making sure he grabbed his camera and opting to pack too much rather than too little. When Ten returned back to Johnny’s dorm, his own neatly packed bag in hand, they both took their phones, powered them off, and left them sitting in the middle of Johnny’s bed. _

 

And so here they were: driving down an empty highway, Ten in the passenger seat with his cheek pressed against the window, and Johnny blinking harshly trying to stay awake as they made their way to the beach. This all really did happen so fast but Johnny felt… happy? He knew in his head that this would all be temporary and that this was probably a final hurrah before things went back to how they had been this past week. But Johnny was indulgent; he wanted to be here and get affection from Ten, even if it was just temporary.

 

He let his fingers ghost over Ten’s cheek and the boy leaned into his touch, groaning slightly as he woke up. 

 

“Are we close?” Ten said, rubbing his eyes.

 

“We’re getting there… can already smell the ocean.”

 

***

 

When they had come across a seedy motel that backed up to the beach, Johnny was more than happy, ecstatic even. It meant he wouldn’t completely drain his funds that he had to last him the rest of the year whilst he was in Korea. He parked Ten’s car in front of the reception office and the pair staggered out of the car, their legs feeling stiff although the trip to the beach hadn’t been too long of a haul. The fact that they were both sleepy was adding to their inability to put one foot in front of the other and walk as coherently as they usually would. Johnny held the door for Ten as they walked into the flood of fluorescent light and approached the counter. 

 

“We want to stay here a few nights.” Johnny said. The older man behind the counter scoffed, looking between the two.

 

“Two beds, right?”

 

“A single, please.” Ten piped in, a gentle smile on his lips. The man scoffed and raised his eyebrows as he charged them for the room, sliding a key across the counter. Johnny put his credit card down and prepaid for the room, reserving it through Sunday night before they turned, exciting the office and returning back to Ten’s car to grab their bags.

 

The motel room itself was bigger than it looked from the outside and actually consisted of three rooms: a main bedroom with a queen-sized bed, a television, and a small table garnished with two chairs, a small kitchenette area complete with a microwave and mini fridge, and on the back of the motel “room,” a small area that had a bed that folded out from the wall-- smaller than the queen bed in the other room but still big enough to hold two people if they slept close to each other. The room also had a patio door with a clear view of the ocean. 

 

They dropped their bags as soon as they crossed the threshold into the room. Johnny rubbed his eyes as Ten clicked on a lamp, filling the room with yellow light that leaked into the kitchenette and gave the room a hazy glow. Johnny stretched upwards, his hands laced together above his head as he walked through the kitchenette, pushing open the door to the additional room.

 

“Hey Ten, come here!” Johnny stepped inside, lowering the murphy bed from it's stowaway position on the wall.

 

“Oh cool,” he walked over to the patio door and clicked over the lock, sliding it open just enough so that the sound of the waves crashing against each other spilled into the room, the moonlight cascading in through the glass the only thing illuminating the room. “This is perfect…”

 

“So you want to take this room?” Johnny said, still unintentionally trying to distance himself from Ten so he wouldn’t get hurt as bad when the little excursion was over.

 

“Yes.”

 

The silence was back as Ten sat on the bed, looking outward toward the ocean and Johnny stood there staring at the floor.

 

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna go change since its late. I think its nearly my bed time.” Johnny said, pulling himself from the room. Ten nodded and stood from the bed, shedding himself of everything but his long sleeved shirt and his boxer briefs. Johnny slipped into the bathroom, bringing his bag along with him and pulling out what he needed to do his skincare routine-- he’d be damned if he didn’t do this every night. 

 

Once he was done, he walked into the main bedroom again, crawling under the covers and putting an arm behind his head. He stared up at the ceiling in the darkness. The room was quiet and completely devoid of any light whatsoever. Johnny let out a small giggle, not able to stop the smile that appeared on his face. Johnny really did feel happy; it felt like things were going right for once since his crush had started. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, the sound of his own breathing the only thing audible as it lulled him into his slumber.

 

But it didn’t last long.

 

Johnny stirred awake and he was so out of it that he felt inebriated. Something was touching him and pulling him closer to the left side of the bed.

 

“Hm?” was the only thing that Johnny managed to get out.

 

“It’s just me. I couldn’t sleep. Its okay, go back to sleep, Johnny.”

 

He recognised Ten’s voice and let out a small “ah” sound. He felt pressure on his chest-- which turned out to be Ten’s head resting against him. Johnny absentmindedly wrapped his arms around the boy, rubbing his back and resting his chin against the top of his head. Ten’s arms were lazily draped over Johnny’s hip and he hazily faded back to sleep.

  
  


The sunlight peeking through the curtains and straight into Johnny’s eyes ushered in the morning time. He stretched feeling resistance as he did so, realising that Ten was still attached to him from last nights afterhours cuddling sesh. Johnny felt as if he had a sleeping puppy on his chest and suddenly was pressured not to move so that he wouldn’t wake Ten. He looked so peaceful and so beautiful. His tan skin was smooth and gave a stark contrast to the white long-sleeved shirt he was wearing. Johnny kissed the top of his head, getting it out of his system before he woke up and began to run his fingers back and forth on Ten’s upper arm. Ten shifted a bit in his sleep, his face ending up in Johnny’s neck. His breath was hot against Johnny’s skin and his nose probing the side of his throat was more comfortable than he’d like to admit.

 

Ten’s hand caressed Johnny’s chest, making its way up to rest on the other side of his neck. His lips pressed gently against Johnny’s neck and he was nearly startled at the gesture but he refused to let Ten know that. He looked down to see Ten’s soft smile and his equally soft eyes looking back up at him.

 

“Good morning.”  _ Oh, God.  _ Johnny never thought he could hear something so magical. Of course, Ten had told Johnny good morning loads of times, but this time as he had just pulled back from kissing Johnny’s neck after a night of conspicuous cuddling, things were certainly different.  And, Jesus, he hoped things never went back to how they were if it meant that it would be like this all the time.

 

“Morning, sunshine.”

 

Ten moved from his position and laid partially over Johnny, his elbows supporting him on either side of Johnny’s body.

 

“I was thinking last night… about us. I had an idea? And I’m not sure how idiotic is it but I feel like its worth a shot.” Ten played with the collar of Johnny’s shirt, giving him a cold chill from where his fingers were making his chest tingle.

 

“What is it?”

 

“We can pretend like we’re actually together. No one here knows us and it’ll be like a trial run since you think I really need to think about this. It’ll be like a couples vacation.”  _ I don’t want you to think about it I just want you. _

 

Johnny nodded, resting his head back on his pillow and closing his eyes. “It’s not a bad idea, I’m down for it. You’ll see how good of a boyfriend I am.”

 

“Treat me like the queen I am, Johnny.” Ten rested his head back against Johnny’s chest and they shared a small laugh over his “queen” comment. 

 

“When are we starting?” Johnny asked, his hand going to Ten’s hair and playing with his silky locks, letting them slip through his fingers.

 

“Now. Let’s start now.”

 

“Perfect, what’d you wanna do today,  _ baby _ ?” Johnny let the pet name slip, taking advantage of the situation as much as he could.

 

“Take me on a date. I have high expectations for you, don’t disappoint me.”

 

“You’ll be impressed, brat, I won’t disappoint.” Johnny playfully slapped Ten’s arm. “If we’re going to do this we’re gonna do it right. Get dressed, I’m picking you up in thirty minutes.”

 

Johnny got up and retrieved his bag from the doorway, disappearing into the bathroom and getting dressed for the day. Since he was on a time crunch, he didn’t have enough time to pack outfits that he would normally wear; he kept things simple. Simple meaning he packed two pairs of jeans and four shirts and he was a little out of his element. Johnny didn’t usually do basic and it was a very commonly known fact. He always had on something that spiced his outfit at least in the slightest like his fingerless gloves or a brightly coloured headband. So when he stepped out of the bathroom wearing a black crewneck and black jeans, Ten was taken aback. It was odd seeing him so… regular? But Ten did have to admit that he looked fucking great. Johnny strolled out of the front door after tossing his bag onto the bed.

 

“Be ready, I’ll be back to pick you up soon.” 

 

***

 

Johnny, the sly bastard, pulled up to the door to his and Ten’s room with Ten’s car, ready to pick him up for their date. Johnny had an idea formulated in his head as soon as the words “ _ Take me on a date _ ” left his mouth. In the thirty minutes that he had been gone, Johnny managed to get his hands on a small bouquet of white flowers. Ten’s eyes lit up when he slid into the passenger seat of the car, a pink tint shading his cheeks.

 

“You got me flowers?” His smile was fixed on his face, Johnny had already exceeded Ten’s expectations.  _ How bare minimum.  _

 

“Of course I did. Since I have something pretty to look at all day, I wanted you to have something pretty too.” Johnny put the car in gear and began driving, pulling out onto the busy road.

 

“I have you to look at, you know. You’re pretty too.” Ten said in a small voice. And Johnny couldn’t help himself when his hand reached for Ten’s, their fingers lacing together and Ten holding onto Johnny’s arm with his other hand.

 

Their car ride didn’t last long. They pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store and they broke their contact, parting and coming back together when Ten walked around the side of the car to meet Johnny.

 

“Grocery store? This is our date?”

 

“It’s part of it. A minor part, but still so important.” Johnny said, turning to walk and expecting Ten to follow him. He walked quickly to catch up with Johnny and replaced his hand into Johnny’s leaning his head on his shoulder as they walked. Johnny picked up a basket when they stepped inside the building, letting it rest on his forearm as he strolled through the store.

 

Johnny took care of picking up things, asking Ten what he preferred between different drinks-- going with fruit infused green tea-- and what kind of meat he liked best and before long, Johnny’s basket had gotten full of miscellaneous groceries. They brought it to the counter, letting the disinterested woman at the till ring up their purchase. Johnny paid for it with his credit card and they were back in the car in a flash. 

 

“Are you ready to go on the actual date?”

 

“There’s more? And here I thought grocery shopping was going to be the highlight of my day.” Ten beamed at Johnny from the passenger seat.

 

“Looks like I’m really exceeding all of your expectations today.”

 

The pair pulled back up to the motel and walked in, Ten with an unassuming expression on his face. Johnny pulled a blanket off of one of the beds as he walked through the motel room and headed straight for the sliding door, opening it and walking straight through the room with the grocery bags without batting an eye and Ten followed suit. 

 

Johnny set the bags down in the sand when he reached about halfway down the beach in a raised spot in which the tide came close as it pushed and pulled at the shore, but would never actually reach them. He sat down as Ten approached him, taking up half of the blanket and patting the open space next to him. Ten sat whilst Johnny turned his attention to preparing the food-- which was an easy setup since he picked things that were handheld and required minimal setup. Their picnic spread was huge to be honest, Johnny had really outdone himself and the smile on Ten’s face made him feel warm inside.

 

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was comforting, lulling the boys into a sense of calmness that washed over their beings. Ten was concentrating on a big chocolate cookie as he leaned back with this legs sprawled out in front of him, resting on the heels of his hands as he looked out at the water. Johnny had stopped eating long ago, the butterflies with their sharp wings thrashing against his insides taking up most of the room inside of his stomach. He shakily took a drink of his green tea as the silence passed.

 

“This is a really beautiful place, I’m surprised the motel doesn’t cost more, you know?” Ten broke the silence, almost mumbling with a mouthful of sweets.

 

“I know… beach access like this and all the rooms have a view. We really lucked out, especially since I’m pretty sure this place is reasonably dead. I haven’t even seen anyone else around here.”

 

“It  _ is _ like negative 80 degrees outside, Johnny.” Ten said, putting emphasis on the word “is” as his head turned, locking eyes with Johnny.

 

“I’ll bring you back when it's summer time, how about that?”

 

“Sounds perfect. I want to go swimming, plus I’d get to see you in a swimsuit.” 

 

Johnny playfully smacked at Ten’s arm. Ten grabbed his bicep and fell onto the blanket, groaning and sniffling, pretending to cry and gasping for air as Johnny rolled his eyes. Ten wrapped his fingers around Johnny’s wrist, tugging gently.

 

“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME!”

 

“YOU’RE SO OVERDRAMATIC.” Ten sat up and crossed his arms, pouting at Johnny. “Oh come on, don’t be a brat, Tennie.”

 

“Oh, please, you haven’t seen brat.”

 

“You’re insufferable, you know that?” Johnny took another swig if his green tea, barely getting the spout out from between his lips before Ten snatched it away from him. Ten situated himself and leaned back so that he would be laying in Johnny’s lap. He closed his eyes and took a drink of the cold green tea, holding it up so that Johnny could take it back from him.

 

“Must be why you like me so much, Johnny Seo.”

 

Johnny threaded his hand through Ten’s hair and he let out a content sigh. His hair was so fucking soft and looking down at him was pure bliss, his expression was so elegant and happy. He looked so beautiful and he couldn’t stop himself from caressing the boys face. His skin was smooth as Johnny let his fingers graze over his cheeks. 

 

“You’re so fucking pretty, Ten.” he said, watching Ten’s eyes flutter open. He placed his hand on Johnny’s, leaning into his touch. 

 

“You know you can kiss me. I know that look, you’ve been looking at me like that for three years.”

 

“Ruins the suspense if you know it's coming. I’ll surprise you.”

 

There was a comfortable moment before Ten spoke again that was filled with water. 

 

“I just want to say, thank you for dropping everything and bringing me out here. It really means a lot to me.”

 

“Any time.”

 

Ten sat up and scooted close to Johnny, resting his head on his shoulder and leaning back into him. “I’m serious, I don’t think anyone else would’ve done something like this for me.”

 

“I’d do anything for you, Ten.” Johnny pressed his cheek against the top of his head and took a deep breath, staring down at the design on the blanket beneath them and tracing it with his eyes. 

 

“I really like you so much, Johnny. I do.”

 

“But?”

 

“But nothing. I just like you.”

 

“I like you too, Ten.”

 

“I believe the words were that you  _ loved  _ me.” Ten giggled. “I can’t believe you unloaded that on me so suddenly.”

 

“To be fair I had a plan. You weren’t even supposed to remember it. But my dumbass couldn’t wait long enough.”

 

“You wanted to tell me when I was drunk? That’s creative. I’m glad that I wasn’t.” Ten rested his hand on Johnny’s thigh. “What happened that night?”

 

Johnny sighed, replaying the events in his head. “Well, I obviously darted after I fucked up and told you. So I went to that one convenience store like a block or two down the street and I bought some things to keep me company. I really didn’t know where to go from there… my legs just took me to the baseball field. Oh and your text was wrong, by the way. You said I was drunk but I wasn’t, I’m not a Lightweight. What do you take me for?”

 

“What did you buy?”

 

“Huh? Oh, right.” Johnny paused trying his best to stall. Ten knew about his habit from before, in fact Ten is what inspired him to stop and even helped him by showing up at his door with nicotine patches and hard candy to keep his mouth busy so he wouldn’t want to smoke. “I, uh— I bought cigarettes.”

 

“You smoked?” Johnny could hear the surprise in his voice, his tone rising in his throat.

 

“Yeah… it was a one time thing, I’m done and I’m never smoking again.”

 

“You better fucking not, I’ll kill you.” Ten huffed.

 

“What about you? How did your week go since you said you were thinking about it ever since I told you.”

 

“I went looking for you on the night of the party and I was so frustrated that you unloaded something like that on me and then just disappeared in all senses of the word. You went radio silent, no one could reach you on your phone, no one could find you, you just vanished and that worried me. I know how you are, I’ve known you for three years and you have a tendency to be a little… impulsive.” Ten’s fingers squeezed Johnny’s thigh.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you. Like I said you weren’t supposed to even be coherent, I got ahead of myself and fucked it up.”

 

“Is it really so fucked up now?”

 

“Well, we did run away to Incheon without telling anyone but Taeil that we were leaving or where we were going. That seems just gently fucked up to me, Ten.”

 

“Regardless, I think it's going okay. But anyways, Johnny, the week was hell. I didn’t actually start questioning my own sexuality and all that until Monday. I remember the moment it happened too because I was sitting with… with Minji in the library and she was talking with her friends and I realised how fucking disinterested I was. So I sent you a text, not really expecting a reply honestly… but I missed you. I missed your presence and the way you’d sling your arm around me and how you smiled at me so big that your eyes nearly disappeared. I realised that I wanted more than anything to be with you.” Ten’s hand left Johnny’s thigh, touching his own face. The way that his breathing changed, Johnny knew that Ten had started crying. “But you know me not being straight changes  _ everything. _ You haven’t met my family or anything since they’re back in Thailand but… I can’t like boys, you know what I mean? And the fact that I’ve been dating Minji for almost three years. It's harrowing how much time I put into our relationship when I felt nothing for her, it was like we were going through the motions, like the relationship wasn’t even real to begin with. It was just for the people around us. Lee Minji, the perfect student with her perfect grades and her pretty boyfriend on her arm. Its a fucking sham and since then I started to resent our relationship.”

 

“At least you know you’re pretty.” Ten let out a small sound that was a mix between a wail and a laugh. Ten’s world had been falling apart during the week that Johnny had practically abandoned him. 

 

“But that week… I tried to stay away from her. Dodging her calls and avoiding her at all costs because even though I resent the relationship now I still feel so bad because I think her feelings are real? Or real enough to where she’ll feel heartbroken if I end it, you know? And I never told her about what happened at the party but I can’t say the same for Mark because he did hear it. And I sent him to go check on you once so when they see us both gone they might put two and two together. Minji especially is going to notice I’m gone because we had plans this weekend that we made a couple weeks back. But… I really just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, I fucking couldn’t.” Ten’s body was wracked with sobs but he tried his best to mask it, pretending like he wasn’t crying but Johnny knew better. He threw his leg around the other side of Ten and  wrapped his arms around him, pulling him as close as he could and rocking him back and forth. Johnny snaked his hand up to Ten’s face, wiping tears away from his cheeks and kissing the top of his head as they sat there.

 

“Please don’t cry, Ten. Everything is going to be okay, this kind of stuff always pans out. You don’t have to worry, I’ll take care of you.”  _ Silence.  _ “Wanna know something funny?” Johnny’s attempt to lighten the mood, “I fell for you that night we went to the diner. You remember? Ah, you were so drunk and the diner was pretty dark honestly—or at least that’s how I remember it. But we were sat at a booth next to the window and the neon that hanged on the glass was illuminating you. And I swear to god you looked like a hazy angel. I never wanted to kiss someone so badly… you were sitting there eating fries and asking the waitress if it was possible for her to get you potato soup without the potatoes.” Johnny laughed, finding himself submerged in the memory. 

 

“I’m a dumbass when I’m drunk. Why would I even ask that? Do they even have potato soup?” Ten sniffled and laughed, his mind being taken elsewhere. “Hey do you remember when that kid smuggled a hamster onto our floor? Jesus I miss living in those dorms with you. Life was never dull.”

 

“He really shoved the poor thing into his pants when I came in to see if he really had a hamster. As if the giant cage wasn’t enough evidence, does he think I’m a fool? You shouldn’t have left us, baby.” 

 

“I wonder if I can move back to that dorm complex in the spring semester.”

 

“I hope you can… But Ten… Do you know what you’re going to do?”

 

“Let’s not talk about that. We’re here right now and we might as well be the only two people in the world. But just know that I… I love you, Johnny.” 

 

Johnny’s hand traced Ten’s jawline, turning his head to the side. He leaned over Ten’s shoulder, their faces so close that they were nearly touching. Johnny rubbed his nose against Ten’s, urging him closer before he went for his lips, the taste of chocolate prominent on Ten. This kiss was different from the one back in Johnny’s dorm room. Something spicier about it, less surprising and more familiar. Johnny found himself sucking on Ten’s bottom lip and releasing it as he pulled back. Their kiss was a flurry of wetness and squelching, both fighting for dominance with their mouths and Johnny ultimately winning as he rested his fingers on Ten’s neck, the pad of his thumb against his adam’s apple. Ten’s tongue found its way into Johnny’s mouth and it stroked against his own before they separated with a  _ smack _ . Johnny didn’t say the words back to him, but Ten knew that Johnny loved him too.

 

The two of them picked up their blanket with much hesitation after a long afternoon of grazing and just enjoying each other’s company. The beach was their little safe haven, the lack of travellers and tourists made it a sanctuary and the fact that the only person they had to come in contact with were people who worked there. It was nice to be out in the open and isolated all at once, a whole new experience for the pair. Ten grabbed the bags from Johnny and replaced it with his hand, holding it all the way back to their room. Ten had become a little clingy since their talk on the beach, and Johnny honestly didn’t mind it one bit. Ten plopped down on the fold out bed, crossing his legs in front of him.

 

“I have one last surprise for you. I saw a sign for something when I was driving earlier to get your flowers and I thought you would enjoy it. But we have to wait a little while.” Johnny smirked.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I just told you we have to wait. But you’ll find out soon enough.” 

 

***

 

A couple hours later, the two boys were walking down the street in the sunset. Johnny had two towels slung over his shoulder and Ten kept prodding him with questions, unsure of what was to come.

 

“At least tell me how much longer we have until we get there.”

 

“I told you we’re almost there, It's up here on the left.”  

 

Ten groaned as their feet beat eagerly against the sidewalk, closing the gap between them and the building up ahead so that Ten could see the sign in all of its glory.

 

“A heated swimming pool? But the sign said it closed at six.” Ten frowned, turning to look at Johnny.

 

“I know, that’s the point. Haven’t you snuck in anywhere before?”

 

Johnny sized up the building, looking at the back and seeing that there was a chain link fence that lined the area.  _ Perfect.  _ Johnny grabbed Ten by the hand and pulled him to the back.

 

“Okay so, do you feel more comfortable going over first so I can help you? Or do you want me to go over first?” Ten was hesitant. 

 

“I’ll go first… I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to do this.” He chuckled nervously. 

 

Johnny got down on one knee, leaving his other leg planted on the ground so that Ten could step on his thigh and scale the fence— which he did beautifully and without an issue. Johnny then pulled himself over, nearly cutting himself open on the top where the fence was cut off into sharp edges. Once the pair was over the fence, they managed their way inside— which was easy because the doorway to the outside was just concrete arches that led them into the building. 

 

The lights in the main room were shut off but a glow was resonating up from the water.  _ Ah, there’s lights on the pool walls.  _ Johnny thought to himself, eliminated another problem that may have arised (which was trying to find the lights in the limited time they had there). Johnny squatted and touched the water with his fingertips.

 

“It’s definitely warm.” He flicked his hand and stood up. “Well, let’s get in. Heh.”

 

Johnny began to undress and he could feel Ten’s eyes on him. He could see Ten’s head moving along in his peripheral as he moved to strip down. Johnny wasn’t muscular by any means, he was skinny more than anything and that fact made him look more toned than he actually was. He tucked the smile away that was on his lips and sat on the edge of the pool once he was down to his briefs. He looked up at Ten and outreached his hand.

 

“Are you coming?” 

 

Ten began to undress. Ten, on the other hand, did have some definition to his body. He was a dancer and the years of moving and stepping hard had carved out his body beautifully. Ten jumped straight into the water, diving and cutting the water impeccably. Warmth flooded Johnny’s cheeks when Ten came back up, the water flowing off of him ad he slicked his hair back. It was almost as if he was watching a model doing a shoot in slow motion, he felt like he shouldn’t be seeing this. But here Ten was in front of him, in all his glory.

 

“What?” 

 

Johnny slipped into the water and sat against the pool wall, gazing into Ten’s eyes. He had began to feel much more comfortable around him now, he had tricked himself into thinking that they were actually dating and it made his heart sing. He ignored everything that could potentially happen, shoved it to the back of his mind to deal with later; he wouldn’t let his mind cloud the time that he had left with Ten. 

 

“You’re just pretty, I like staring at you. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, sweetheart.” Johnny couldn’t help but to bite his lip when he saw Ten blush, he liked it when he was flustered. 

 

“You really think so?”

 

“Of course, I’ve always thought that. No one could be prettier than you.”

 

Ten closed the gap between them and Johnny leaned against the wall of the pool. He clung to Johnny, resting his head on his chest and peppering small kisses on his skin.

 

“You’re handsome, Johnny.”

 

“You’re only saying that because I called you pretty.” Johnny’s voice was low, a crackling whisper as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear, even though they were the only two in the room. Johnny let out a deep and gentle laugh, just enough for his chest to rumble. Ten trailed his mouth across Johnny’s collarbones and finally to his neck, his arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“I mean it, have you seen yourself? You’re so fucking… hot.”

 

“Yeah? Am I?” Johnny pulled his bottom lip between his teeth again, biting down and trying to regulate his breathing so that he didn’t seem like he was about to hyperventilate. His arms were around Ten’s shoulders, his fingers caressing the skin where they laid. Ten hummed in agreement, starting to let his lips get looser until he was leaving open mouthed kisses, nearly sucking on his skin. Johnny couldn’t contain the growl that rolled from his chest as Ten sucked the skin under his ear, his weak spot that drove him nearly to madness. 

 

“Ten, don’t do that.”

 

“Why not? Am I bothering you?” Johnny could feel Ten’s smirk against his skin.  _ That bastard knows what he’s doing. _

 

“Listen, Ten,” his voice had grown weaker as Ten went back to the same spot, using his teeth to nip at his sensitive area. “You know what you’re doing, don’t you.” Johnny said flatly.

 

Ten pulled back from Johnny’s neck, looking him in the eyes. His pupils were blown and Johnny swears there was a look of plea.

 

“Can we just get out of here, Johnny?”

 

“So soo--” Ten rubbed his hand over Johnny’s crotch, cutting him off mid sentence. “Really?” Was the only thing that Johnny could get out after a beat of silence. 

 

“Unless you want it to happen here in the pool.”

 

Johnny didn’t know how he got dressed and back out on the street so fast-- everything had honestly turned into a blur. He felt hot and the cool air against his skin out in the open had no effect on him.

 

“Ah, fuck, Ten. We have to go to the store if you really want to do this.”

 

“The store? For what?” Ten’s voice had changed, he sounded airy and almost breathless. 

 

“Ah,” Johnny chuckled. “I just need to pick some things up.”

 

Thankfully there was a drugstore not far from where they were standing. They crossed the street and stepped into the bright light. They walked down the family planning aisle and it suddenly clicked in Ten’s head what Johnny meant. He looked at the wall of condoms and other things that were on display and couldn’t help but to chuckle. Johnny got a good look at Ten, who he had been only been seeing in the dark for the past hour. His hair was an absolute mess, his cheeks had gone past pink and straight to red, and he looked like he had just been mauled. Johnny looked down to the noticeable bulge in his pants. Johnny grabbed a box of condoms along with a clear bottle of lube and crossed in front of Ten.

 

“Baby,” he whispered in his ear, “I can tell you’re hard.” He patted Ten’s dick and he immediately looked down at his pants, reaching his hand down into them and adjusting himself so that his hard-on was a lot less obvious.

 

***

 

Johnny’s undercut was soft under Ten’s fingers as they kissed, finally finding themselves back in their motel room. Johnny loomed over him as Ten ran his hands through Johnny’s hair, holding his head and barely even knowing what to do with himself. Johnny on the other hand, was doing everything he could to get him riled up. Johnny kissed down his jaw, letting him catch his breath only to have it hitch in his throat when Johnny sucked hickies onto his neck. His fingers found their way to the hem of Johnny’s shirt, pulling it until he could lift it over his head. Johnny’s hands explored Ten’s body over his clothes, really trying to tease him. He slid his hands under Ten’s shirt, running his hands up his sides and making Ten let out what nearly sounded like a squeak. 

 

Ten pulled off his own shirt, throwing it to the side of the bed and undoing his pants. Johnny pulled them down his thighs, getting up off the bed to jerk them the rest of the way off and letting them settle on the floor. Johnny shed himself of his own pants, touching himself through his underwear and letting out a soft groan as he looked at Ten laying there waiting for him. 

 

“Ten, are you sure you want to do this?”

 

“Yes. I want it more than anything.”

 

“Say it then. Tell me what you want, baby.”

 

Johnny’s eyes were dark and he looked at Ten like he was prey. Ten fucking loved it, he loved it more than anything he had ever experienced in his life. But he also wanted to see Johnny squirm.

 

“I want you to  _ fuck _ me, Johnny.”

 

The air was drained from Johnny’s lungs because holy fuck he wasn’t expecting an answer like that. But he still knew it was all bluff because Ten, the “painfully straight” boy had never been fucked before. He had no idea what was in store for him. 

 

“Here, get on top of me first.” Johnny said, laying on his back. Ten straddled his thighs and Johnny settled his hands on Ten’s. When he leaned down to kiss Johnny, he let his hands dip down into Ten’s boxer briefs, squeezing his ass cheeks; they fit so perfectly into Johnny’s hands. 

 

Johnny was kissing Ten hungrily, like he couldn’t get enough of him. He rolled his hips up into Ten and the sudden contact caused him to whimper into Johnny’s mouth. One of his hands came around, rubbing Ten through the front of his underwear and being restricted by the layer of fabric between their skin. 

 

“Take it off.” Johnny said, patting his thigh, cutting off their kiss and waiting for Ten to rid himself of his last shred of clothing. He was naked on top of Johnny in what felt like an instant, always the eager one. 

 

Johnny reached onto the bedside table, grabbing the new bottle of lube and cracking it open.”I know you haven’t done this before, so just trust me. I’ll take care of you, baby. If you want to stop just tell me and I won’t ask any questions or make you go any further than you want to. Are you sure you want to do this, Ten?” Johnny wanted to be as thorough as possible with him, he didn’t want to coerce him into anything that he didn’t want to do. He wanted to make sure that Ten was absolutely sure-- which is why he had already asked him if he was sure three times and even asked him to say what he wanted, just so they were clear.

 

“Johnny, I want you. I want this, please don’t make me wait. It hurts.”

 

That was enough for Johnny. He coated his fingers with as much lube as he could, making sure that they were slick enough before he rested his middle finger at Ten’s entrance. He prodded into him, Ten’s body offering resistance at the new feeling. He hissed at the sensation as Johnny slowly moved his finger in and out of him. Johnny waited until he was adjusted before he went deeper into him, he just wanted to find his prostate to make him feel good because Johnny knew from experience that stretching him out with his fingers would do nothing for him compared to what brushing against his prostate would do. The sounds that Ten was making sounded a bit uncomfortable as he got used to the sensation of Johnny pushing deeper into him. But Johnny could tell when his huffs and groans turned into soft moans that he was headed toward the right direction-- and even more so when Ten threw his head back,  his moans ripping through his throat and getting higher in pitch.

 

“Feel good, sweetheart?”

 

Ten could only get out another moan as Johnny was relentless with his fingers. Ten’s dick was leaking precum and Johnny could tell by the way that his chest heaved that he was going to cum untouched just from being fingered-- and Johnny couldn’t have that.

 

“Alright, baby. I think you’re ready.” He said, pulling himself from Ten, a pained whimper choking out at the loss of sensation. Ten got off of Johnny as he stood at the end of the bed. “Okay so I think we should do, uh, doggy style. It’ll be easier on you. Sound good?”

 

“So, I just… hands and knees?” Ten said, falling forward and catching himself with his hands.

 

“Uh-huh. I’ll take care of the rest. Just let me know if its too much or anything…”

 

Johnny walked around the bed, grabbing the box of condoms and opening them. He grabbed one out and took the bottle of lube with hims as well. He slid himself out of his underwear and gave himself a few encouraging strokes before he ripped open the condom and rolled it over the head of his cock. He opened the lube again, squeezing some directly onto Ten’s ass, making him jump at how unexpectedly cold the liquid was. He then squirted some directly onto his dick, spreading it around with his hands to ensure that he was thoroughly coated-- the last thing he wanted was to hurt Ten.

 

He placed his hand on Ten’s back, running it down the length of his spine. When it got to the small of his back, he pushed down, causing Ten to arch his back and stick his ass out. Johnny did this to open him up, making sure that he did everything he could to make this good for him. He placed the head of his dick at his hole, his hands gripping his hips. 

 

“Ready?”

 

“Ready.”

 

Johnny eased into Ten, listening to the sounds he made as he slipped in until his pelvis was flush against Ten’s ass. He waited, letting Ten adjust to the size of the cock that was inside of him.

 

“Are you okay, baby?” Johnny said, one of his hands rubbing Ten’s back encouragingly. 

 

“I-I’m okay. Keep going.”

 

Johnny felt Ten’s ass tense around his cock as he started to pull out. Johnny let out a choked moan, biting back his sounds. He thrusted slowly in and out of Ten, holding tightly onto his hips. Before long, Ten was pushing back on Johnny and trying to feel more. He was chasing the feeling that Johnny’s fingers had given him. Johnny took his queue and stopped fucking around, letting one of his hands drop to his side and the other finding purchase in the small of Ten’s back. He snapped his hips into Ten, jolting him forward. Ten let out a moan and his arms gave out, splaying him against the bed as Johnny began to pound into him. With every jerk of Johnny’s hips, Ten let out desperate high pitched moans. Ten saw stars as Johnny’s dick stroked against his prostate. He couldn’t help it when his eyes screwed shut and he clenched his entire body as he came on the bed sheets. Johnny stopped, still sheathed inside of Ten.

 

“Did you… did you just cum?” Johnny was out of breath and to be honest he was surprised that he made Ten cum untouched. Ten was panting below him, small whines exiting his mouth with every exhale. 

 

“Y-yeah. I’m sorry.”

 

Johnny chuckled, pulling himself from Ten and pulling the condom off of his dick.

 

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I just need to get myself off.” 

 

Johnny began pumping himself with his hand, thrusting himself in and out of his curled fingers and chasing his own end. Ten had changed positions, laying on his back with his hands behind his head as his dick softened and keeping his eyes glued to Johnny’s hand. Admittedly, Ten’s mouth went dry as he heard the sounds that were coming not only from his mouth but also the slick sounds that came from the friction of his skin on skin contact. 

 

Ten sat up, pulling himself to the end of the bed and replacing Johnny’s hand with his own. Johnny hissed as his hand dropped and Ten jerked him to heaven. Johnny grabbed his wrist, urging him to stop.

 

“I’m close, I’m close.” he said, trying to get him to stop so that he could finish on his own and clean up the mess that ensued. However, Ten had other plans. 

 

He didn’t let up as he stroked Johnny, pushing him to the point of no return. His breath caught in his throat as he threw his head back, his eyes screwed shut and he nearly stopped breathing. Ten had opened his mouth, laying Johnny’s head on his tongue and letting him cum inside. Ten stroked him through his orgasm until he grunted and grabbed his wrist again, this time Ten listened— he didn’t want to torture him with overstimulation. 

 

The boys decided to sleep on the fold out bed since they had ruined the sheets on the queen sized mattress. Housekeeping would definitely know what they had done that night and have to deal with the mess accordingly… Johnny felt sorry. The fold out bed was smaller than the queen, of course, but that was no problem for Johnny and Ten. They were swimming in the sheets, finding a nice place and opening the door just slightly before settling in so that they could hear the ocean and let it lull them to sleep— not like they needed any help, the were both understanbly sleepy. Ten laid on top of Johnny, his head settling on his chest and Johnny had his arms around him. The boys were still naked and the intimacy was different than when they’d had sex. This felt warmer, closer, they both felt at home.

 

“You were fucking amazing.” Ten said,  resting his chin against Johnny’s chest so he could look him in the eyes.  Johnny played with his hair and offered a soft smile, his eyes heavy and hooded.

 

“You were fucking amazing too.”

 

“You don’t have to say that, I…” Ten shoved his face into Johnny’s chest. “I cmmf ealrlky.”

 

_ I came early.  _

 

Johnny didn’t want to laugh at Ten for thinking that it was a big deal-- Johnny expected him not to last long since he hadn’t been fucked like that before and he definitely had never had his prostate stimulated, so of course he was going to cum fast. But untouched? That’s what had Johnny shook. He’d never been able to do that to anyone even when he fucked guy after guy during his “slut” phase. Ten was special.

 

“Baby don’t be like that. You were fine, I expected it honestly. You can’t expect to last two hours your first time receiving.” which was true. They always cum fast.

 

“I’m just embarrassed. I feel bad because I wanted to make you feel good too.”

 

“You just swallowed nut without complaint, Ten. You made me feel pretty good.” Ten chuckled into his chest and Johnny felt so endeared by him. That was his baby.

 

“You know, we didn’t even eat dinner. I’m a little disappointed.” Ten’s voice sounded genuinely sad.

 

“I’ll treat you to breakfast in the morning. Anything you want.”

 

“Waffles?” Ten’s voice started to drift off, sleep finally catching up with him.

 

“I’ll get you some waffles.” There was a beat of silence and only the sound of their breathing could be heard throughout the room. “Fuck, I love you, Ten.”

 

“I love you, Johnny.” 

 

**Sunday**

 

All good things have to come to an end-- life is too ephemeral to anything to last too long. This was no exception. Sunday is a new beginning… Their little vacation ended on Sunday and Johnny had things on his mind as they pulled out from the restaurant they had stopped at to get Ten his waffles. The silence in the car was deafening. The events of last night were playing on a loop in Johnny’s head to the point that he could barely even concentrate on driving. He had to say something. The road ahead of them was mostly empty, only passing a car every now and then. Johnny glanced at Ten who was looking down at his hands, a lollipop in his mouth from the restaurant. 

 

“Ten,” Johnny’s voice nearly quivered. “You know we have to talk about last night.”

 

“Hm? What about it?”

 

“You know we’re going back to school and we’re going to have to face  _ people. _ ” Johnny’s hands were getting clammy against the leather steering wheel.

 

“I know.”

 

“I don’t mean to be that sensitive bitch but… what are we?” 

 

“Well, I don’t know. This is kind of complicated, Johnny… With everything, you know.”

 

“Yeah. That’s why I was asking since everything that happened last night happened.” Johnny was getting defensive, feeling jealous even that Ten was still considering things even after they  _ fucked.  _

 

“I still want you, Johnny. Relax. I just don’t know what we’re going to do.” Johnny’s heart did a flip, he was on a rollercoaster of emotion.

 

“What about Minji?”

 

“I know I have to break up with her. Obviously after what happened, but please can we just not think about that. We’re having a good time and I want to savour it until we get back to Seoul.”

 

And Johnny understood perfectly.

 

***

 

The sun had perched itself high in the sky when they finally made it back to their campus. The parking lot was full of students  returning back to campus for the following week of classes. Johnny dropped Ten at his dorm, he got out of the car, handing the keys over to him. Ten reached up on his toes, kissing Johnny on the cheek.

 

“I’ll text you later. We’ll figure something out.” Ten said before turning and walking into his building.

 

“I’ll be waiting, angel.” He called after him, watching as he entered the building carrying his bag and making it home safely. 

 

Johnny had a spring in his step as he walked himself to his own dorm. It felt like heaven when he hit his own bed, it was welcoming and although the weekend was nice, he was decently happy to be home. He felt a lump in his back, realising that he was laying on his and Ten’s phone.   _ I’ll take this to him later.  _

 

Ten, on the other hand, was being cornered in his dorm. When he strolled through the front door, Mark and Minji were in the lobby of his building and he froze in his tracks, his eyes going wide.

 

“Ten? Where the fuck have you been, no one’s been able to contact you or-- what the fuck is on your neck?”

 

Ten reached up and touched his neck, feeling where Johnny’s lips had been the night before, remembering the hickies that Johnny had left.

 

“I-- I went to the beach.” Ten said, his voice sounded small.

 

“Mark told me about what happened with Johnny at the party. I know everything Ten. I know you were fucking with him. I know you were.” Minji’s voice was breaking, fuck.

 

“Minji, no please. I didn’t want it to be like this. Come on, please.” Ten didn’t know what to say to her… he hadn’t prepared for this,  _ fuck.  _

 

Minji had started crying and Mark was standing beside her with his big ass doe eyes, unrelenting as they looked at Ten. He really didn’t want it to happen like this. He wanted it to be much cleaner and for them to split peacefully but this… this was brutal.

 

“I was with him. We went to Eurwangni together and I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want it to happen like this, Minji. I really didn’t.” Mark had put an arm around Minji, acting as a silent console. His gaze was so harsh, Ten despised being under it.

 

She broke her crying, looking up at Ten and staring deep into his eyes. “You love him, don’t you.” it was a statement, not a question. She sounded defeated, her voice was filled with pain and Ten could hear it.

 

“Yes. I love him.” There was no point in trying to smooth this over anymore. “We went on an excursion because I couldn’t stand to be here and I felt fucking trapped. But I love him.”

 

Minji let out a laugh that didn’t sound natural. “What a couple of  _ faggots,  _ huh? Fuck you, Ten. Three years down the drain for fucking nothing.” Mark flinched at her words but followed her as she brushed past Ten anyways. 

  
_ Fucking hell.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!!! please leave me feedback, ur comments on my work makes me so warm inside c:  
> as always you can find me below~  
> twitter: @wyhpcy

**Author's Note:**

> halfway through writing this i realised how funny it is for ten to be the straight one since it's usually johnny who plays as your resident het, but here we are. ten is a straighty. make sure you leave me some feedback!! some kudos to tell me you liked it or a comment telling me why you hated it, i'm open to all criticism :]
> 
> you can also find me at:  
> twitter: @wyhpcy
> 
> if u couldn't tell, i'm a xuxi stan


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